Thursday, September 13, 2012

Where is "Chivalry"?


I had a date today. A lunch date. With a guy I was very excited about. This was our first date. We had planned to meet a couple of weeks ago, but I needed to reschedule due to E needing to get some teeth pulled. And after today’s date, I can honestly say, I would rather have had teeth pulled. It had so much promise...he is CUTE(!!), he has a good job, he has kids and when we talked on the phone, we laughed a LOT. I was so excited. Now I’m just disappointed. Lucky for you, I’m going to tell you all about it. To start with he chose a restaurant that he told me was “in the middle.” When we got to the restaurant (that was 13 miles from my house), and started talking, it came out that he works down the street from it. Hmmm. Ok. Not one to be discouraged, I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he didn’t understand where I live. Maybe he thought I live at the other end of the street on which he works. It’s possible. 

But let me backtrack a little. The restaurant we went to was in a weird office building and parking was confusing. I called him from the parking lot to make sure I was in the right place. He was just pulling in, so I told him where I was parked so we could walk in together. I hate meeting dates in front of maitre d’s. I get paranoid that they are staring at me, judging and taking bets on whether or not there will be a second date. They are, right? I knew it. As we were walking to the elevator, from our cars, I realized that I left my parking ticket in my car and wanted to back to get it so the restaurant could validate my parking for me. I told him that and instead of him walking back with me, he said, ok, he would wait there. Again- Hmmm. Odd, right? That just doesn’t seem gentlemanly, or chivalrous, or “woo-ing” to me. But, whatever. 

We went to the restaurant and looked at the menus. He asked me if I would like to split a “large plate” and a “small plate.” I said sure, but that I didn’t know how he would feel about it, as I don’t eat meat and there weren’t many options, but he was game. We decided on the Vegetable Plate and that we would ask about the flatbread pizza of the day. Well, turns out, the flatbread pizza of the day was pulled-pork and ricotta. Not really something that was going to work for me. When he decided that he wanted it anyway, I pretty much knew that chances were, he was not my bashert, but still I try to remain stupid optimistic. Since we were SHARING the vegetable plate, we got hummus as well to split. And then he got an iced tea. You know where this is going, right?

Let me break it down for you- ME: 1/2 hummus appetizer, 1/2 vegetable plate, water; HIM: 1/2 hummus appetizer, 1/2 vegetable plate, 1 WHOLE flatbread pizza, iced tea. And then the check came. I have dated for many many years. On 95% of those dates I have offered to contribute to the check. Only three people ever accepted that offer until today (one of those people was my EX which says SO much, but I’m not going there now). Not only did he accept my offer to “contribute something to the check,” but his exact words were, “Sure, how about if you pay half.” Ummm...half? I DIDN’T EAT HALF, ASSHOLE. Oh wait, here comes the chivalry: “But don’t worry about the tip. I’ll get that.” Really? You amazing, generous, gentleman? You’ll get the tip? WTF? What the hell is wrong with people? I paid $18 for hummus and squash. I was so nauseated, I could have puked my hummus up on the table in front of him. 

And here’s the thing. Obviously, he’s not interested in going out with me again, I get that, and that is ok, but be a MENSCH! I am just constantly disappointed in how people treat each other and this is no exception. 

You know what's funny? I keep checking my email and phone for the message that I am sure is coming from him apologizing for his horrific behavior, because I honestly can't believe that if he thinks about it, he will think that he behaved appropriately. Maybe he was nervous, or sick, or (my personal favorite) has multiple-personalities, and the one with NO MANNERS accidentally came out at lunch today. Whatever, I know it's not coming, but I keep checking anyway. Because I want to have faith in people....and in chivalry.

**note: for as long as I date, I will continue to offer to contribute to the check and will continue to think that if anyone who accepts my offer is a jerk. Unless they have already paid for several dates previously. In my opinion, my offering is good manners and them declining my offer is good manners. Anything else is rude.

7 comments:

  1. Agreed...RUDE!!! Yuck, sorry for an expensive, waste of your time!

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  2. He makes the French dude look like a dream come true!

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    1. ya think? and that is just sad, b/c the french dude was gross.

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  3. Wow. Now that is a $hitty date.

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  4. Bad date agree and not a match. However both parties should be honest though as it sets the tone for what's expected. Obviously not a match but don't bother to offer paying if that's not honestly what you would want to do. I'm not sure that makes the guy a jerk b/c he was honest. This guy may look at women more as partners and less as requiring chivalry. Wrong guy for you and wrong woman for him.

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    1. If he wanted to look at me as a partner, that doesn't mean he had to be RUDE. I didn't pay for my share, I paid for mine PLUS a portion of his. Sadly, dating is not an "honest" sport. I don't think there are that many people who have never played the game a bit, whether it was waiting for someone to call when they wanted to call first, claimed to be busy to avoid going out with someone they just weren't that into, or offered to pay when they really didn't want to. I didn't invent the game...just trying to stay afloat in it. I don't "require" chivalry, I just think it's good manners. If he wants to look at women as someone to pay MORE than their share of the bill...I wish him luck. Pretty soon I won't be the only person who thinks he's a jerk.

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  5. It kind of reminds me of the film "Joy Luck Club". One of the daughters is married to a man who keeps a list of what they buy, then he separates what they personally use and how much their share is. He decides that "they" eat ice cream so that is paid for 50/50, it takes the mother to point out to him that her daughter doesn't eat ice cream, never has. He gets the point, the daughter finally admits that he is not the kind of person she deserves and moves on.

    You dodged a bullet two ways. 1) He was an ass to not have better manners on this lunch date, from the parking lot to the bill 2) He sucks at math! Any idiot could divide the bill based on the percentage of what was truly consumed by whom. Just think of it like that, all the bad dates are someone's way of allowing you to dodge bullets (bad potential partners). Of course that kinda makes you target practice, but that's a heading for another post ;) You should write a memoir on dating thru J-life after divorce, your stories are great (just sorry at your expense).

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