Wednesday, August 1, 2012

The "Magic E"

Those of you who are teachers or who have school-age children are probably familiar with the “Magic E” rule. Since I am a teacher and have school-age children, I am doubly aware of it. It is the rule that I learned as "Silent E," and basically says that an "E" at the end of the word is silent and makes the vowel before it, say it's name. Got it? Great, you are all ready for first grade now. Anyway, I am also aware of the fact that I knew there would come a time when I would no longer be able to maintain the level of privacy that I desire, by merely spelling in front of my children. That time is now. The other day, I was having a conversation with a friend of mine and informed her that I had a "d-a-t-e" coming up. N quickly responded with, “you have a date?” So, more spelling for me. 
I’ll tell you guys though...and I won’t spell it out. I had a date this week. Actually, within the past two weeks, I’ve had two dates. With two different people. And both of them pretty much sucked.
The first one was with an older gentleman. Fifty-eight to be exact. He contacted me on jdate and very sweetly asked if I would mind “giving him a look” even though he was much older than I. I informed him that I had looked at men younger than him, and they all turned out to be assholes, so I had no problem looking at him. I looked, I liked, we met. Oh...if only it were that easy-peasy. Now let me just tell you, in his profile...he looked GOOD! Handsome. Dapper. In person...not so much. He kind of looked (and smelled) like a creepy uncle who makes you cringe from when he goes to kiss you hello (and undoubtedly grabs your tush at the same time...ew!). And his teeth. Oh his teeth. I mean, I like straight teeth as much as the next gal, but these went beyond UNstraight. They were UNBRUSHED!. Unbrushed, unflossed and definitely undentisted. I know I made that word up. I don’t care. The guy has clearly not seen a dentist in decades (if ever). His teeth were covered with black tartar (at first I thought it was plaque, but have since learned the difference). Seriously, it looked like this except on the FRONT of his teeth.

Now, have you gagged enough yet? Because I haven’t even told you about his finger nails. Or where his finger nails should have been. Really, words can’t express how bad they were. But pictures can! Seriously, how did people communicate before google? Can you imagine someone like that running his fingers through your slightly over-processed hair? Yeah, me neither. 
You want to know something ELSE? He currently owns a business and has contracts “in the works” with MIT, Harvard and Warner Brothers. But...shhh...that’s a secret. That’s what he told me, anyway. My thoughts? WHY would you tell someone you’ve just met a secret? Hello! Clearly, I can’t keep one. And Second? If you have contracts “in the works” with these organizations, you go to the freakin’ dentist! I think...
Maybe it’s just me.

He asked me out again, but I ignored him. I hate it when people do that to me, but sometimes, it's so much easier to just avoid them.
So then there was the second date I had. It doesn’t come close to the horrors of the first one, but it was a bit of a disappointment. I mean, anytime I spend money on a babysitter and can tell on a first date that the guy “just isn’t that into me,” I’m disappointed. And that was pretty much it. He wasn’t that into me. Actually, there is a bit more, he was obese and wasn’t that into me. And I thought he was nice and funny and would have gone out with him again. I’m not saying that it would have blossomed into a great love, but if someone is nice and funny, even if I’m not sure of a spark, I’m giving it another shot, and I guess it kind of hurt that I didn’t get the sense that he felt the same.
Ah...being single. Have I mentioned it sucks?

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