Monday, August 27, 2012

Tooth Fairy Letter

Gotta love a snarky Tooth Fairy!

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Just an aside...

I find it absolutely fascinating that someone found my blog through the following keyword search: 

"putting eyeshadow on your nipples"

I have mixed feelings about that...not putting eyeshadow on your nipples...I have NO opinion on that whatsoever, if you're so inclined...go for it (although I'd stay away from green)! I just meant on the fact that my blog comes up with that search...

It's Tooth Fairy Night in My House Tonight

I am so happy she pulls her teeth out by herself!

Sunday, August 19, 2012

C'est La Vie

One of the fun things about dating is.....Oh...gotcha! There is nothing fun about dating! If you know nothing about me at this point, you should at least know that I believe that dating SUCKS! But I do get these, oh so amusing, tales to share. So, yay! for looking on the bright side.

So this week’s tale begins in a land far far away. Well, not really, but the jerk I’m going to talk about tonight is French. And France is far away. Now let me just say, I don’t know a LOT of people who are from other countries, but I do know some. And I have dated some. Both pre- and post-marriage. And what I have found is that they, even more than American jerks men seem to have no real understanding of what is appropriate to say. Is it because Americans are too uptight? I don’t know, but I do know that boundaries, for me, are a good indication of respect. And I actually do not think that they mean to be disrespectful when they cross boundaries that seem normal.

So I was talking to this French dude the other night. Where did I meet him? Where else? JDate. And this conversation was the first after weeks of telephone tag. The conversation was going ok. Nothing great. He wasn’t that entertaining, but I’m all for giving it time. At least a little. So then he starts asking me about how much time my kids spend with their dad. I answered and what followed was pretty typical, “How eez zat posseeble?” “Doesn’t he want to be wiz zem more?” “Don’t you want to do zings for yourself?” “ How do you manage?” “Don’t you need time to go to zee gym?” HA! As usual, I do NOT make this stuff up. It wouldn’t be nearly as good if I did. So I was getting annoyed. I understand that he might not understand my life, but I do not like to defend it. Even if his questions do sound better wiz zee cute accent. And as for the gym...well, one look at me, and it’s obvious, I do not have time to go to zee gym.

So then he asked how long I’ve been on jDate. I responded almost honestly. I told him off and on for two years. He asks if I’ve met anyone. Hmmm... Uh...yeah. Lots of people. I told him I met a few people who I dated, but nothing that lasted... Then he asks the creme de la question, “Have you been intimate with any of them?” 

EXCUSEZ- MOI???   (thank you Google-translate)

Who does he think he is? The funny thing is, he is not the first guy to ask me this. Actually, that’s not funny. It’s appalling. The actual funny thing is, he thought that was a totally fine question to ask me.

I informed him, as politely as I could, (because while slamming the phone down should have been my response, I’m, you know, desperate, and like to give guys oodles of chances) that that was a very personal question and one that I would not be answering. He didn’t seem to care and the conversation continued until I hung up. I do not remember the end of our conversation, honestly. I think we made a date, but at that point my Advil PM had kicked in and I couldn’t say for sure. If I get an angry French message telling me off for standing him up, I guess I’ll know I did. Oh well. C'est la vie.

And one more thing. Totally off topic. That mean girl I told you about...she defriended me on Facebook. She has still refused to answer my calls or return them. I know I should be ok with it, but I’m not. People suck.

Sunday, August 12, 2012

One more thing...

I am NOT perfect. I am sad a lot of the time and crabby and bitchy and sometimes I say stupid things, that may accidentally offend or hurt someone. But I try to be a good friend and I would NEVER intentionally be mean to someone. She is a bitch for doing that.


You know how you hear about girls getting bullied or made fun of or just generally abused on Facebook by Mean Girls? Well, guess what? It’s not just for high schoolers. And you know what else? The sting (while I’m sure is a lot more painful for a 16 year old) hurts pretty badly at 40.

Remember we talked about this? Well...I have had one friend in particular who did that to me. Actually, that whole post was because of her. But now there is this other thing. It all started a little over a week ago. I had a date. I was excited and I had talked to her about it. I mentioned it here, too (he was the one I wrote about at the end of that post). Anyway, we went out. I liked him, but wasn’t sure I was attracted to him. I was thinking though, that I would like to go out with him again to figure it out. After our date however, I didn’t get the impression that I would hear from him again and I was a little bummed. Over the next couple of days, I decided that it was for the best, as I really wasn’t attracted to him physically. Then, he did email me. Unfortunately, I wasn't so sure I wanted to go out with him again. I talked to my friend about it and she did not respond in a really supportive way. Not that that surprised me. She has never been really supportive of me. When we talk and I tell her about things I am going through, she has a habit of telling me how I’m wrong and how I should do what she is doing (going out dancing, going out so guys can buy her expensive dinners, or going out just to have sex, etc.). I don’t judge (ok, yes I do), but that’s just not me. I still like(d) her, but truthfully, I'm just more of a homebody- always have been. I have never once told her how she should spend her time. She cheated on her husband. I think she could use some advice, but I try to be supportive and enjoy her for who she is (slut). Well, anyway, as I was talking to her about this guy and whether or not I should go out with him again, she just slammed me. It was not good. I got emotional, started crying and saying things I probably should have said a while ago...or not at all. At the end of the conversation, I apologized for getting so emotional, but asked her to please understand, I’m not her. Maybe I would be happier if I was more like her, but I’m not.

Then, the other day, exactly a week after our conversation on the phone, I see this for her facebook status: In just ONE WEEK - I had one friend write me off because she can't handle how I'm "always so HAPPY & POSITIVE about everything in life"... and then another friend, whom I have not spoken to in 25+ years, track me down on Facebook because he "missed having his favorite HAPPY GIRL around in his life". FUNNY, HOW LIFE WORKS SOMETIMES...

My first thought was, “that can’t be me she is talking about. I didn’t say that. And I for sure didn’t “write her off.”” But I knew it was me she was talking about. I have tried calling her several times. I texted her to please call me back because it was “important.” Haven’t heard back from her. I don’t write people off...Ok, I do, but not like that. I liked being friends with her. She was fun to hang out with sometimes and our kids liked being together. Even though, truth be told, hers are kind of obnoxious. Oooh..passive aggression feels GOOD! Even here!! I thought about retaliating with an equally passive-aggressive status update, but that’s not my style. I would much rather blog about it here... Although, I do think it would be funny to write on her wall, “Hey, did you know that M (her ex) wrote on his jdate profile that you cheated on him when you were married? Is that why he ended up in that mental institution you told me about?” That would be a totally true thing to write, also...but kind of evil.

Anyway, I am hurt. I don’t know why she would put that there. It seems if she thought that (and cared), then maybe she could have called...except that we all know by now that she wrote me off. I just wish I didn’t have to read about it on facebook.

Sunday, August 5, 2012


You know what's awkward? Hanging out at a birthday party at one of my least favorite places in the world, chatting with some other moms about gymnastics and ballet lessons, etc. and then innocently looking up and seeing this guy sitting five feet away from me glaring at me. Turns out, he's friends with the birthday girl's parents. Oops!! Because spending my Sunday chauffeuring my children to TWO birthday parties isn't enough torture, I have to run into wack-os like him. I know...I wish you were me. The only thing that would have made it even better is if this guy had been there:

And yes, that is someone's real jdate profile pic. In case you are interested in him, let me know, I'll see about setting you up. He is looking for someone who is petite and a good kisser.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Change of face

Hey, remember this guy? He posted a new picture on his profile. I'm all for updating pictures and staying current- no one appreciates going out with someone who has a ten year old picture up and has since lost all of his hair or gained 50 pounds. Funny thing about this guy's updated pictures though. He didn't lose his hair or gain weight. It had to do with his skin tone. Interestingly, he's turned African American! I didn't know that was possible! But, I never said I was the brightest bulb in the shed. Ok, I never even said I had a shed; I don't in fact, but whatever. I'd post his new picture, but it's not up anymore. I reported him to jDate...yeah, I a false profile and it was removed. Score...another one bites the dust!

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

The "Magic E"

Those of you who are teachers or who have school-age children are probably familiar with the “Magic E” rule. Since I am a teacher and have school-age children, I am doubly aware of it. It is the rule that I learned as "Silent E," and basically says that an "E" at the end of the word is silent and makes the vowel before it, say it's name. Got it? Great, you are all ready for first grade now. Anyway, I am also aware of the fact that I knew there would come a time when I would no longer be able to maintain the level of privacy that I desire, by merely spelling in front of my children. That time is now. The other day, I was having a conversation with a friend of mine and informed her that I had a "d-a-t-e" coming up. N quickly responded with, “you have a date?” So, more spelling for me. 
I’ll tell you guys though...and I won’t spell it out. I had a date this week. Actually, within the past two weeks, I’ve had two dates. With two different people. And both of them pretty much sucked.
The first one was with an older gentleman. Fifty-eight to be exact. He contacted me on jdate and very sweetly asked if I would mind “giving him a look” even though he was much older than I. I informed him that I had looked at men younger than him, and they all turned out to be assholes, so I had no problem looking at him. I looked, I liked, we met. Oh...if only it were that easy-peasy. Now let me just tell you, in his profile...he looked GOOD! Handsome. Dapper. In person...not so much. He kind of looked (and smelled) like a creepy uncle who makes you cringe from when he goes to kiss you hello (and undoubtedly grabs your tush at the same time...ew!). And his teeth. Oh his teeth. I mean, I like straight teeth as much as the next gal, but these went beyond UNstraight. They were UNBRUSHED!. Unbrushed, unflossed and definitely undentisted. I know I made that word up. I don’t care. The guy has clearly not seen a dentist in decades (if ever). His teeth were covered with black tartar (at first I thought it was plaque, but have since learned the difference). Seriously, it looked like this except on the FRONT of his teeth.

Now, have you gagged enough yet? Because I haven’t even told you about his finger nails. Or where his finger nails should have been. Really, words can’t express how bad they were. But pictures can! Seriously, how did people communicate before google? Can you imagine someone like that running his fingers through your slightly over-processed hair? Yeah, me neither. 
You want to know something ELSE? He currently owns a business and has contracts “in the works” with MIT, Harvard and Warner Brothers. But...shhh...that’s a secret. That’s what he told me, anyway. My thoughts? WHY would you tell someone you’ve just met a secret? Hello! Clearly, I can’t keep one. And Second? If you have contracts “in the works” with these organizations, you go to the freakin’ dentist! I think...
Maybe it’s just me.

He asked me out again, but I ignored him. I hate it when people do that to me, but sometimes, it's so much easier to just avoid them.
So then there was the second date I had. It doesn’t come close to the horrors of the first one, but it was a bit of a disappointment. I mean, anytime I spend money on a babysitter and can tell on a first date that the guy “just isn’t that into me,” I’m disappointed. And that was pretty much it. He wasn’t that into me. Actually, there is a bit more, he was obese and wasn’t that into me. And I thought he was nice and funny and would have gone out with him again. I’m not saying that it would have blossomed into a great love, but if someone is nice and funny, even if I’m not sure of a spark, I’m giving it another shot, and I guess it kind of hurt that I didn’t get the sense that he felt the same.
Ah...being single. Have I mentioned it sucks?