Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Here's a thought

If you don't plan on ever answering your phone when I call or EVER being available when you call me back on the rare instances when I might actually be so desperate that I need to ask you a about if you DON'T say to me, "If you ever need anything, just give me a call." MmmK? Thanks.

And while we're at it, I don't really give a damn if we ever get together to catch up either, but if you tell me you want to, I will try to set something up. So if you have no intention of calling me back so we can catch up, don't suggest it in the first place. I promise you, I don't care. MmmK? Thanks again.

***Just felt like I needed to get these things off of my chest. There are a lot of assholes in my life and sometimes, they annoy me.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Is it me?

Sometimes, I think maybe I overreact. Or am too judgmental. So please, let me it me? Or are these guys just freakizoids from Hell?
JDate has an annoying feature called “Secret Admirer.” Basically, if you admire someone, you mark it off on their profile and then they are send an email with 5 profiles. One of them is the Secret Admirer and you check off which one you admire and if you both admire each other, you get an email telling you so. Because I am a genius, whenever I get one of these emails, I can pretty much tell who is Admiring me without necessarily Admiring them back.
Last week I got one of these emails. My Admirer seemed OK. Nothing too spectacular. I had read his profile and kind of thought he was completely average. Not too good looking. Not too smart. Not too rich. Not too funny. I pretty much started snoring half-way through it. Not being one to act on my judgmental side, I thought about giving him a chance. Except for one thing. In his profile, he wrote this:
.......plantaris tendon that I ruptured playing basketball heals. And don't worry ladies, the plantaris tendon is "far" below the waist, in the calf muscle. Everything else works just fine.......
WHO writes this in their “About Me” section? Am I crazy or are these guys just complete losers? I’m guessing that this means his penis works...? He mentioned his waist, but I don’t think your Belly Button can be broken. What else is in that area? Spleen? That’s boring. Yes, let’s assume he means his penis. Well, Mazel Fucking Tov! Who cares? I mean, if I’m wanting to reproduce with you, I guess I would care, but how about, we just assume it works and you only post about it in profile if it doesn’t work, MmmK? Thank you very much. 
This is the guy is Admires me. A guy who needs to post to the world that while he has a boo boo on his leg (whaaaa...MOMMY!!) his schlong works. 
Damn it! I can’t believe I pay for this membership. 

Sunday, March 25, 2012

I love being a mom...I love being a mom...

So totally out of the blue, I get to hear this from my child...

Elliott: "Mom, you know I think the challah they serve at school is really the best. It's soft and squishy and so good. The one that you make is, you know, a close second..."

SOMEONE please tell me when it is appropriate to give one of your kids the finger!

Friday, March 23, 2012


Spring has sprung...although, where I am, spring actually sprung about a month ago and we’re pretty much kissing summer these days. So hello pollen, allergies, sweaty kids and sandals. I think I prefer Fall.
As usual though, no matter what the season, people continue to amaze and repulse me.  And so I say, to the lady who I know pretty well, but don’t call a friend, who knows pretty much what my life is like, who had the gal to comment on the fact that she couldn’t believe I would dream of wearing sandals without getting a pedicure first...Kiss my ass!

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Where have I been and Turds

The problem, for me, with not blogging for a while is that when I’m ready to come back, the question is, do I just come back with a regular post? Or do I write a whole explanation of why I’ve been missing? I ponder that for days and in the meantime, guess what, I’m not blogging! Days and weeks pass and I’m still not blogging because I’m not sure what my entry should say. So I decided it would be best to just come back. Because the reason I haven’t been blogging in a while is simple. I was busy doing some consignment sales, so nothing was really going on except for that, and it took up so much of my energy that I was exhausted. Plus, my fingers were killing me from all of the safety pinning for the sales, so typing was not an option. But alas, two sales, 200+ items out of my house and nearly $400 added to my bank account, and I’m back!!
So, you are wondering what has been going on in my life the past few weeks? Well, not much. Well, ok, there has been some stuff. Kids are doing well. Dating is non-existent, but I’m beginning to think I like it that way. Guys are just turds.
Exhibit A (and probably my only exhibit for today). The following is an exchange I had with a turd on jdate:
Me: Hello, Anyone who posts a picture of themselves falling into the water is ok in my book! :) I think you have a really great smile, and I would love to get to know you better. 
Hope you feel the same about me. 
Btw-No drama, cockiness or pretentiousness here. I promise. 
Have a great day, and I hope to hear back from you. 
Turd: Hi Lisa..just signed up for this nonsense. does it work...are you happy. have you found the key to life
Me: Not yet, but it's on my list to pick up the next time I'm at Target.
Turd: LOL on the target...lmk how it work out...I live in S------. Target at X and Y is half way between us. How about a glass of wine at the new M’s?
Me: I would love to!
Turd: Your call. Wed, Thurs, or Friday. I am harmless
Me: Are you ever available on other nights? I can try to get a sitter for next week, but it would need to be Monday or Tuesday or Saturday. Not trying to make it difficult on purpose...I am looking forward to that wine and to meeting you! :) 
Idiot: Monday could work. Lets touch base over the weekend and go from there
When I didn’t hear from him for the next few days, I sent him a note:
Me: Why don't you give me a call and we can touch base voice to voice. 111-111-1111 
Btw- what is your name?
Turd:  Will do. I will try to call later today (Sunday) but I am with my daughter. My name is Turdy Turd.
That was two weeks ago. I never heard from him again. Then, I got this: 
Hi Lisa. I wanted to apologize for not calling and dropping the ball last week. My daughter (16) lost her cool with my ex and her fiance and we are dealing with court, lawyers, and overall stress. Wine would still be good but I don't want to waste ur time as three young children and the possibility of more is not where I am at presently. Hope u understand. Btw your are so pretty and the pic w u and all three kids is gorgeous.
I am considering the following response: 
Hi Turd, No need to apologize. I completely understand. And thanks for letting me know. I agree, it would probably not be a good idea to meet. I would just be wasting your time as dealing with temperamental teenagers who cannot keep their cool and cause overall stress for their families is not where I am at presently. Have fun in court. 

Monday, March 12, 2012

A Purim Tale

While making 120 hamantaschen- Yes, you heard that right. One hundred twenty. Don’t ask why- I have no idea. But they are good!!!! Of course, I'm not eating them. Or letting my kids eat them, because they are not healthy. But I bake them.
So, where was I? Oh yes, while making 120 hamantaschen, I was  privileged enough to have the following conversation:
Naomi: Mom, you are the best hamantaschen maker.
Me: You are right, Naomi. I am the best hamantaschen maker.
Naomi: Mom, when you die, can I be the best hamantaschen maker?
Me: Knock yourself out, Naomi.

WTF? Who asks questions like that?
Naomi: Mom, when you die, can I have your cell phone?
WTF? Again!!
Me: No, Naomi. When I die, I want to be buried with my phone so I can call you from the grave.
Probably not the most appropriate thing to say to my five year old, but what can I say? I suck as a mom.
Naomi: MOM! You can’t do that when you are dead. But don’t worry. I’ll remember you anyway.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

We're still talking about Purim here

Kayla: Mommy, I'm gonna tell you a secret.

Me: OK

Kayla: Haman was bad.

Whew! So glad she told me. May be a little late for that to be a secret though...

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Purim pics

Have you been wondering where I went? I did not mean to disappear on you, but I have been sleeping. Just kidding. I haven't been sleeping at all, but I have been wanting to sleep! It has been an exhausting couple of weeks...more so than usual and I just haven't had a chance to update.

One of the things that I have been busy working on was my first consignment sale. I turn 40 this July and besides the fact that that comes with gray hair and wrinkles, which sucks as it is, I need to accept that I will never be a mom of four like I wanted. So, time to get rid of the baby stuff. But a consignment sale is not as easy as just wiping the tears that leak from your eyes as you sort through adorable baby things. There is the sorting, pinning, washing, ironing (ok, I didn't iron), LABELING of items. It is exhausting. I brought 200 items to sell. As of last night, 74 of my items had sold. Which sort of sucks because the sale ends today at noon. Here's hoping 30% off makes everything else sell today.

So, there is more, but that will have to do for now. I will write more when I'm not in the sudafed induced fog that I am in at present (did I mention I'm sick, too?).

But I will leave you with the following pictures from Purim.

All three kids making funny faces for a fun filled Purim!

Kayla couldn't make up her mind what she wanted to be. Here she was "Queen Esther Butterfly!"

Don't tell anyone, but this is my favorite picture! So handsome!!