Thursday, February 16, 2012

Slim pickins

There are so many things that suck about being a single mom, almost 40 years old and on dating sites, but just when I think it’s gotten about as bad as it gets, I get an email from “marriedbutlonely” that says in the subject line “watcha doin’ tonight? I’m horny.....” While I would love to respond to “marriedbutlonely” by saying, “NOT YOU!” I’m sure that this was just generated from an evil computer somewhere that manages to swipe email addresses from pathetic internet site daters (aka: ME). So, I can’t get too worked up about this, given that it is from a weird computer somewhere.

The following, however, are taken from REAL PEOPLE! There are nuts out there on dating sites who post these things on their dating profiles. So the next time someone says to me, “Why aren’t you dating?” This is why, People! This is what I have to choose from...

I am not a paying member so I cannot read or respond to messages sent to me here- Is that hot or what? That $15 a month too much for you? 

I've been told I'm genuine, sensitive, and sincere- This particular guy forgot to mention that he has spent the better part of the past two years LIVING IN AN ASSANE ASSYLUM. I know this for a fact (it’s a small Jewish world).

Shows: CSI, 24, old Frasier, Discovery, nat'l geo, and history channel Survivorman, Animal Planet- Really? You’re putting on your dating profile that you like to watch Frasier?? 

Like most people, I can be problematic, grumpy and combative- hmmm...Yummy! Or not.

For fun, I like to place duct tape sticky side up across the road, typically at a stop sign. Then hide in the bushes and wait. When the car rolls over the tape it makes a most obscene sound.....the driver of course hops out.....I abashedly admit I am snickering in the bushes....he or she removes the tape... looks around....and off he goes, no harm, no foul and great fun. Wanna try it?- Let me think about that. No thank you!

I am an homely person that believes in family- You had me at “homely.”

I need a better job- Uh, yeah.

I work for a Medical Software Company. I travel a lot. I can be a little shy at first...- I’m sorry, where was I? I think I dozed off for a moment

and finally, my favorite:

You should also know that I'm not tall. Or even average height. I'm 5'4- I commend this guy for his honesty. I’m not going to make fun of this one, but shouldn’t there be a separate dating site for little men? Seriously, Man, get back to the mines. Your friends are looking for you.

So, bottom line, if anyone sees "marriedbutlonely," please let him know that I'm sorry he is horny tonight, but I'm not interested.

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