Tuesday, February 21, 2012


I have many regrets. A lifetime full of them really, and wishes that if only I could go back in time I would do things differently... (spare me the whole “but if you did things differently, you wouldn’t have your three beautiful children,” my wishes don’t come true anyway, so I can wish for whatever the hell I want, now hush).
Anyway, when you realize that your life is as full of bad decisions as mine is, it’s hard to know when you have actually made a good decision.
Remember this guy? Well, there is some background info on him. I met him immediately after my divorce was final. Like, immediately. On eHarmony. Yup, I don’t just suffer through JDate. There is a multitude of online dating torture devices.
We went out for about two months. And at first, I thought he was awesome. Like awesome awesome. He had a good job, and was funny, and masculine, and liked to talk for hours.  But then, he started complaining about his job, and didn’t really make me laugh that much, and I questioned his hygiene, and I realized that I don’t want to talk on the phone for hours. I’m good w/ a quick phone call and then shut up, I have date with my remote. I sensed anger issues and everything we discussed seem to have sexual innuendos, and while mildly titillating for a couple of weeks, it got kind of annoying. 
Oh...and then there was this. Ready? During our first kiss, he leaned in and I kind of felt something saying, “hello!” to my leg. I took a step back so as not to embarrass him, because well, a normal person should be embarrassed by Mr. Winky making an appearance so soon, wouldn’t you think? Nope, he leaned right in again. Proud. Like, "Meet my penis," proud. Now, here’s the deal. During my first kiss, get your damned schlong off my leg. Come on! I am still haunted by that. So, I dumped him. Via voicemail. Ah, the shame of it. Didn’t come close to the relief I experienced. And I felt like I could breathe again.
Except that then, for months and months and months, I questioned myself. Did I make the right decision? He was a nice guy. No one is perfect. There was a spark. He had a sex drive. Then I would tell myself all I didn’t like about him to convince myself that I had made the right decision: he came over without showering (sorry, that might be shallow, but that’s gross), he was really crass and I suspected had anger issues. Oh, and there was this: he told me that the next time he gets married, he intends to have sex every day! Yeah, that’s just not for me. Every day??? Idontthinkso. I suspected we weren’t on the same page religiously, and well, been there done that, etc. There were more, but they were all as minor as the ones I just listed (except the one about having sex every day, that’s not minor, that’s insane!). It just seemed that a lot of minor things add up a couple of majors. Right? Well, maybe if you can trust your decision making ability, then right. But I can’t. So for more than a year, I have doubted myself.
So, a few months ago, I wrote on Facebook wall one morning when I got up at 5:30, which I’m pretty sure is the equivalent of drink dialing at 2:00 AM before you go to bed in college. We ended up going out and having a great time. 
It seemed as if we were just friends. He was doing a lot of saying he would call and then not calling for several days, or saying we should go out, and then not confirming. I wasn’t too concerned because I figured, he was trying to reassert his manliness given that I dumped him on his voicemail, and I was confident that I could still get him back if I wanted. Plus...I wasn’t 100% sure I had made the wrong decision.
There is a lot about him that makes me think we wouldn't be great together. Our ways of raising our children are different. And then with the sexual innuendos again. All of our phone conversations still always seem to take a sexual turn. Not like phone sex. But just questions from him and sexual innuendos nonstop. I mean, come on! This is not 1992 and I am not hanging out with the University of Florida, AEPi stud muffins. Oh...just kidding. They were more like blueberry muffins, but you get my drift.
The other night, he asked me what the craziest thing I have ever done was:
Me: Uh, get married.
Him: No, that doesn’t count. That’s not crazy.
Me: Well, I’m pretty boring, so nothing that I can think of.
Him: You have never done anything you could get in trouble for?
Me: Well, one time in band camp college, I went roller blading through one of the buildings at midnight. How’s that?
Him: It’s ok.
Me: What about you?
Him: I had sex in public.
Me: Ew.
Him: Don’t judge.
Me: Why? I’m judgmental.
Him: Why are you judgmental?
Me: It’s just who I am and sex in public is gross, and you telling me is gross, and I am judging you.
End of conversation.
Now, if any of you have had sex in public, here are two things I have to say to you. First of all, you are gross, and second of all, please don’t tell me.
I am not a prude, but come on! You can’t wait 15 minutes to get to a car or a stall or something? I mean, “yea sex,” but keep it in your pants until there is no concern that someone not involved is going to see you. And don’t even get me started on the sanitary issues involved. Because as fabulous as sex may be (or may not be), it’s messy as hell. And slimy, and is best had on sheets that can be washed, not on a park bench or something where some innocent mother is going to have a picnic the next day with her toddlers the next day! 
And if you are 20 and drunk and have impaired judgement, don’t tell me about it when you are almost 40...or I will judge you! And not want to talk to you or see you again. 
But the moral of this story is, sometimes I make very poor decisions that I regret, but sometimes...my decisions are just fine.

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