Monday, February 27, 2012

Dear Diary

I understand that my children are going to think I am stupid. It is a part of life. As they get older, they will think I’m an idiot and know next to nothing, and then eventually they will grow up and will learn that I do in fact, know a few things, and life will go on. I guess what I was not prepared for is that they would think I’m a jackass now. Aren’t they supposed to look up to me for a few more years? Can’t I become an idiot in their tween years? Because basically, at this time, you and I both know that they are the dumb ones. They can barely add 1+1. Ok, they can add 1+1, but they are still pretty stupid (I mean that in a really loving and maternal way). It is my job to teach them and explain things to them, and honestly, it is pretty hard to do that when they don’t want to listen to me because they think I have an IQ equivalent with that of sea kelp.
Take this, for example. The other day, Naomi was looking for her diary.
Naomi: Mom, I can’t find my diarrhea anywhere.
Me: Naomi, I think you mean “diary.”
Naomi: No! You don’t know!! I’m looking for my “diarrhea”!
So here’s the deal, people. If she already thinks I don’t know the difference between a book and crap, what is she going to think of me in a few years? When I really don’t have a clue about half the stuff she’s talking about?




***edited to add:  72 hours later, I know that I really am a mean Mommy because Naomi found her diary:


Naomi: Mom, I found my diary!


Me: Don't you mean your "diarrhea"?


Naomi: huh?

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Motherhood

I think this is such a sad commentary on the type of mother I am:
Anytime Kayla asks me if she can do something:
  • Mommy, can I play on the jumpy house?
  • Mommy, can I eat an apple?
  • Mommy, can I watch one show?

If I answer in any way in the affirmative:
  • Yes
  • Sure
  • Ok
  • Uh huh
  • Do whatever you want, just leave me alone Of course you can, Sweetness!
  • Etc.

She is in such utter shock and disbelief, that she immediately comes back with:

You said _______? And has to repeat what I just said.
Like she needs to confirm that I am actually allowing her to do what she wants instead of denying her her happiness and joy. 

Which apparently is how I usually role. 

Friday, February 24, 2012

Naomi Reads a Book


Naomi Reading a video by Lisa Furie on Flickr.
Might have to turn the volume up on this. She was pretending to be shy.
Pretty impressive, huh?

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Apparently, I’m not the only one with issues of the heart

Elliott came to me today very concerned: “Mommy, what I am going to do, if I choose a person who is not a vegetarian?”
Me: What do you mean, choose a person?
Elliott:  To marry
Me: Why are you worried about that?
Elliott: Because. What if she cooks something with meat in it?
Me: Well, that is a long way away, but when you are a grown up, you can decide for yourself. If you want to eat meat and the person you marry cooks meat, then you eat it. But I think you will make the right choice (heehee...Jewish guilt) and not eat it. If someone makes you something with meat in in, you can just have salad, or make yourself some cereal or pasta or an English muffin or something. But you don’t need to worry about it now.
Elliott: Hmmm. I think, I am just going to eat meat. But not the kind that comes from dead animals. The other kind. Lazy kid doesn't want to cook, already!
Me: There is no other kind. All meat comes from dead animals.
Elliott: What about meatballs? They don’t look like an animal.
Me: They are dead smushed up cows. Poor thing has such a mean manipulative mother. He’s crushed...well, not as crushed as the cows that went into those meatballs he’s apparently salivating over.
Elliott: Oh.
Me: Elliott, why are you worrying about this now?
Elliott: Well, there are just so many beautiful girls. How do I know which one of them is good enough for me?  Oh...I just can’t even stop laughing about this one- because he’s five. If he was 45, single, on jdate and not my son, I’d be cursing him to hell and back for that attitude.
Me: Like who? Who is so beautiful?
Elliott: I think you are the most beautiful.
--sigh--


Sweet

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Love note

Got this charming note today:


Hi Lisa, 
Thanks for the email. Your smile is great. You sound like someone who is enjoying her family and her life. I must be honest. I find you very attractive but the thought of dating a woman with three young children scares me a little. I would love to meet you for a drink and see if we connect but I wanted to be upfront about my concerns. 
Sam
 



I am trying to figure out my reply. Thinking about something like this:


Dear Sam,
Thank you so much for your honesty, but what the hell is the point in meeting to see if we connect dumb ass? If you have fears about dating someone with three young children, you are totally within your right, but do you think our connection after ONE DRINK is going to be so strong that suddenly you are going to be ok with being (at best) fourth on my list of important people. Or am I going to be so charming (yuh  huh, I am) that suddenly everything is going to get all glow-y and you are going to hear angels singing and decide that you want to be a step daddy right now? Because if that is the case, I totally want to know what you will be drinking.
Let me bottom line this for you, Sam. You may be afraid of dating someone with children, but I am terrified of dating someone who is not 100% totally sure about me, from the get-go. Not as in "totally sure we are going to get married," but definitely not someone with doubts before we even meet.
Cause see, I've got three kids. And I need to take care of them. And in order to do that, I need to be a pretty happy person, because that is what they deserve. They don't need to deal with a Mommy with another broken heart from an asshole who should never have gotten involved with her in the first place. 
So, I'm going to pass on your invitation for drinks. I'd rather stay home with my kids. They are a little afraid of me, too, but they are cuter than you are.
Just being upfront,
Lisa

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Regrets

I have many regrets. A lifetime full of them really, and wishes that if only I could go back in time I would do things differently... (spare me the whole “but if you did things differently, you wouldn’t have your three beautiful children,” my wishes don’t come true anyway, so I can wish for whatever the hell I want, now hush).
Anyway, when you realize that your life is as full of bad decisions as mine is, it’s hard to know when you have actually made a good decision.
Remember this guy? Well, there is some background info on him. I met him immediately after my divorce was final. Like, immediately. On eHarmony. Yup, I don’t just suffer through JDate. There is a multitude of online dating torture devices.
We went out for about two months. And at first, I thought he was awesome. Like awesome awesome. He had a good job, and was funny, and masculine, and liked to talk for hours.  But then, he started complaining about his job, and didn’t really make me laugh that much, and I questioned his hygiene, and I realized that I don’t want to talk on the phone for hours. I’m good w/ a quick phone call and then shut up, I have date with my remote. I sensed anger issues and everything we discussed seem to have sexual innuendos, and while mildly titillating for a couple of weeks, it got kind of annoying. 
Oh...and then there was this. Ready? During our first kiss, he leaned in and I kind of felt something saying, “hello!” to my leg. I took a step back so as not to embarrass him, because well, a normal person should be embarrassed by Mr. Winky making an appearance so soon, wouldn’t you think? Nope, he leaned right in again. Proud. Like, "Meet my penis," proud. Now, here’s the deal. During my first kiss, get your damned schlong off my leg. Come on! I am still haunted by that. So, I dumped him. Via voicemail. Ah, the shame of it. Didn’t come close to the relief I experienced. And I felt like I could breathe again.
Except that then, for months and months and months, I questioned myself. Did I make the right decision? He was a nice guy. No one is perfect. There was a spark. He had a sex drive. Then I would tell myself all I didn’t like about him to convince myself that I had made the right decision: he came over without showering (sorry, that might be shallow, but that’s gross), he was really crass and I suspected had anger issues. Oh, and there was this: he told me that the next time he gets married, he intends to have sex every day! Yeah, that’s just not for me. Every day??? Idontthinkso. I suspected we weren’t on the same page religiously, and well, been there done that, etc. There were more, but they were all as minor as the ones I just listed (except the one about having sex every day, that’s not minor, that’s insane!). It just seemed that a lot of minor things add up a couple of majors. Right? Well, maybe if you can trust your decision making ability, then right. But I can’t. So for more than a year, I have doubted myself.
So, a few months ago, I wrote on Facebook wall one morning when I got up at 5:30, which I’m pretty sure is the equivalent of drink dialing at 2:00 AM before you go to bed in college. We ended up going out and having a great time. 
It seemed as if we were just friends. He was doing a lot of saying he would call and then not calling for several days, or saying we should go out, and then not confirming. I wasn’t too concerned because I figured, he was trying to reassert his manliness given that I dumped him on his voicemail, and I was confident that I could still get him back if I wanted. Plus...I wasn’t 100% sure I had made the wrong decision.
There is a lot about him that makes me think we wouldn't be great together. Our ways of raising our children are different. And then with the sexual innuendos again. All of our phone conversations still always seem to take a sexual turn. Not like phone sex. But just questions from him and sexual innuendos nonstop. I mean, come on! This is not 1992 and I am not hanging out with the University of Florida, AEPi stud muffins. Oh...just kidding. They were more like blueberry muffins, but you get my drift.
The other night, he asked me what the craziest thing I have ever done was:
Me: Uh, get married.
Him: No, that doesn’t count. That’s not crazy.
Me: Well, I’m pretty boring, so nothing that I can think of.
Him: You have never done anything you could get in trouble for?
Me: Well, one time in band camp college, I went roller blading through one of the buildings at midnight. How’s that?
Him: It’s ok.
Me: What about you?
Him: I had sex in public.
Me: Ew.
Him: Don’t judge.
Me: Why? I’m judgmental.
Him: Why are you judgmental?
Me: It’s just who I am and sex in public is gross, and you telling me is gross, and I am judging you.
End of conversation.
Now, if any of you have had sex in public, here are two things I have to say to you. First of all, you are gross, and second of all, please don’t tell me.
I am not a prude, but come on! You can’t wait 15 minutes to get to a car or a stall or something? I mean, “yea sex,” but keep it in your pants until there is no concern that someone not involved is going to see you. And don’t even get me started on the sanitary issues involved. Because as fabulous as sex may be (or may not be), it’s messy as hell. And slimy, and is best had on sheets that can be washed, not on a park bench or something where some innocent mother is going to have a picnic the next day with her toddlers the next day! 
And if you are 20 and drunk and have impaired judgement, don’t tell me about it when you are almost 40...or I will judge you! And not want to talk to you or see you again. 
But the moral of this story is, sometimes I make very poor decisions that I regret, but sometimes...my decisions are just fine.

Monday, February 20, 2012

President's Day

I think it is a misperception that if your children attend a Jewish day school, they get to learn a lot of Jewish stuff, but not much else. Maybe it is true of the very religious schools. I once had a friend (we taught Hebrew school together) and she was orthodox or frum and had grown up that way (for those of you who actually clicked on those links to get your daily dose of Jewish vocabulary, you're welcome). I remember having a conversation with her one time and saying something about Greek mythology. She had no idea what that was. Really. No. Idea. How was that possible? Now, I’m no Greek Mythology goddess (ha) myself. I don’t know that much about it, but I can name the major players thanks to my tenth grade English teacher, Mrs. Israel. Back in the day, I wrote a stellar essay on Icarus, by the way. So maybe students at the more religious schools don’t learn much besides religious stuff, but my children’s school is Conservative, which is pretty middle of the road, and their day is just filled with all sorts of secular goodness. Like President’s Day.* 
Kayla: "Mommy, George Washington chopped down FOUR cherry trees!" (E and N think she is wrong and that he only chopped don’t two. I don’t care know who is right or how they would know, but I was pretty proud of Kayla. So of course, I felt the need to push this conversation...)

Mommy: "And what happened when he chopped down the cherry trees."

Kayla: "See? One...two...three...four..."

Mommy: "Gotcha Kayla, four, let’s move on. What happened when he chopped down the cherry trees."

Kayla: "He had to sit on the naughty step."

Delusional, creative genius, all the same thing.


then there was this:

Naomi: "We had to write in our journal today about the president."

Mommy: "What did you write?"

Naomi: "Barak Osama" close enough, don’t you think? "was born in Hawaii."
Elliott: "Barak Obama" (that’s better now) "is the first brown president." I just love that.

and then my favorite

Elliott: "Mommy, how old are you?"

Mommy: "39, but don’t tell anyone. If anyone asks, I’m 26"

Elliott: "Ok, but Mommy, now you are old enough to be president."
And yet again, I am left wondering when it is appropriate to flick off my child.


*In case you were wondering, I'm not going to make a link for President's Day, I trust your Google abilities if you want more info.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Realization

Since the asshole decided being married wasn't fun anymore and left, I have known that it would just be a matter of time before our children realized the kind of person he is. He can only play the "fun daddy" role for so long.  Of course, I assumed it would happen when they were adults and had children of their own. Then they would figure out that their Daddy never went to any of their extra-curricular activities with them, never drove them to or hosted play dates and only saw them when it worked out into his schedule and even then spent the majority of the time sitting on the couch with his eyes closed while they watched TV.

Although, Elliott is already asking me why Daddy never comes to watch him at Tae Kwon Do, so maybe it won't take until adulthood.

In a million years though, what I didn't expect was this, from my two year old, "Mommy, I want two mommies. I don't want a daddy anymore. Daddy is yucky."

So sad. That poor asshole has no idea what he has done.


Kayla

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Sometimes they actually smile for the camera!


I had plans to take the kids to the dollar theater to see the Muppets. They got so busy playing outside though, that they didn't want to go! They had fun...I was bummed I didn't get to see Kermie.

Friday, February 17, 2012

Goals

Today I saw this status update on Facebook: Each day I live I want to be a day to give the best of me....
And I thought...Wow! Someone I know (well, went to high school with, anyway), not only feels that way, but actually takes the time to type it on Facebook. Impressive. I for sure don’t want to give the best of me! I feel like if I’m giving a solid 49% that’s good, right? The best?!? Nah...I don’t have time for that. And what does that mean, anyway? That’s so vague. It sounds good, but without details, how can she be held accountable?
Know what I want for each day I live? I’ll give details. You can hold me accountable. And it's sure as hell not to give the best (remember, I’m shooting for a solid 49%):
  • I want to wear something that fits me and doesn’t make me look like the last time I saw the inside of a mall was 2006.

  • I want to not fall asleep while preparing a meal because I would inevitably fall face first into a boiling pot of pasta.

  • I want to floss.

  • I want to not fall asleep while driving.

  • I want to not make my kids hate me because I am tired and mean and think “Positive Discipline” is a bunch of hoo-ha and not nearly as effective as “Lisa Discipline,” which usually involves screaming and lots of empty threats.

  • I want to do the best I can to ensure that the health department wouldn’t condemn my house if they walked in.

  • I want to prevent my children’s minds from turning into applesauce from watching too much television.

  • I want to maybe play with my kids or read them a story or something for five minutes so that when they go to sleep at night I don’t miss them so much it hurts.

  • I want to take a picture that doesn’t make me hurl makes me smile.

  • I want to find a job.

  • I want to answer my phone when it rings instead of looking down at my caller ID and deciding that I am too tired/annoyed/busy to answer thereby letting another friendship die.

See? This is a list! I can be held accountable for these things! Well, not really, because remember, my goal is 49%. I like to Aim Low. My sorority motto was Aim High, but that was for when I was younger. Shit, I hope that wasn’t our secret motto, because if it was, I just really screwed up.
You know I wrote this post almost completely in it’s entirety while sitting in my car outside of Kroger, listening to Kayla scream because she didn’t want to go into the store. That’s right. Forty five minutes in the car with a screaming toddler. Raise your hand if you wish you were me!

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Slim pickins

There are so many things that suck about being a single mom, almost 40 years old and on dating sites, but just when I think it’s gotten about as bad as it gets, I get an email from “marriedbutlonely” that says in the subject line “watcha doin’ tonight? I’m horny.....” While I would love to respond to “marriedbutlonely” by saying, “NOT YOU!” I’m sure that this was just generated from an evil computer somewhere that manages to swipe email addresses from pathetic internet site daters (aka: ME). So, I can’t get too worked up about this, given that it is from a weird computer somewhere.

The following, however, are taken from REAL PEOPLE! There are nuts out there on dating sites who post these things on their dating profiles. So the next time someone says to me, “Why aren’t you dating?” This is why, People! This is what I have to choose from...


I am not a paying member so I cannot read or respond to messages sent to me here- Is that hot or what? That $15 a month too much for you? 


I've been told I'm genuine, sensitive, and sincere- This particular guy forgot to mention that he has spent the better part of the past two years LIVING IN AN ASSANE ASSYLUM. I know this for a fact (it’s a small Jewish world).


Shows: CSI, 24, old Frasier, Discovery, nat'l geo, and history channel Survivorman, Animal Planet- Really? You’re putting on your dating profile that you like to watch Frasier?? 


Like most people, I can be problematic, grumpy and combative- hmmm...Yummy! Or not.


For fun, I like to place duct tape sticky side up across the road, typically at a stop sign. Then hide in the bushes and wait. When the car rolls over the tape it makes a most obscene sound.....the driver of course hops out.....I abashedly admit I am snickering in the bushes....he or she removes the tape... looks around....and off he goes, no harm, no foul and great fun. Wanna try it?- Let me think about that. No thank you!


I am an homely person that believes in family- You had me at “homely.”


I need a better job- Uh, yeah.


I work for a Medical Software Company. I travel a lot. I can be a little shy at first...- I’m sorry, where was I? I think I dozed off for a moment


and finally, my favorite:

You should also know that I'm not tall. Or even average height. I'm 5'4- I commend this guy for his honesty. I’m not going to make fun of this one, but shouldn’t there be a separate dating site for little men? Seriously, Man, get back to the mines. Your friends are looking for you.




So, bottom line, if anyone sees "marriedbutlonely," please let him know that I'm sorry he is horny tonight, but I'm not interested.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Manners

Kayla: Mommy, I want water.


Me: What's the magic word?


Kayla:  Meeska...Mooska...Mickey Mouse!




awesome.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Kayla

Kayla by Lisa Furie
Kayla, a photo by Lisa Furie on Flickr.

Valentine's Day

Two years ago, for Valentine’s Day, I received a beautiful, redish, orangey, pink, Swarovski necklace. Less than a month later, the asshole walked out on me, claiming that being married wasn’t fun and accusing me of talking to a lawyer because I wasn’t happy. That was a total lie, btw. It is part of his Delusional Narcissism syndrome. Yes, I diagnosed him myself. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t in the best spot. I had a baby, two toddlers, a husband who refused to help me with any of the child rearing, spend time with me, or have sex with me. I also wanted to move because the house we were in did not have a bedroom for my baby, we lived on an insanely busy street with NO yard and no fence (he refused to put one up because he didn’t want to spend the money (did I mention he is a SURGEON?!)), and there was a pool table in my living room.*  We had been looking for a house for over two years, but he found something wrong with every house. Every. House. Two. Years. Of looking at homes that cost anywhere from $700K - $2 million. Not one of them was good enough for him. So, was I thrilled with my life? No. Did I want a divorce? Not at all. I just wanted things to get better. But when he gave me my Valentine’s Day gift, not in a million years did I guess what I would be dealing with less than a month later. Hell, the morning of the day he left, we were busy planning our summer vacation and I didn’t have any idea. Ahhh...the good old days...
Fast forward to today. Valentine’s Day. Three children counting on me to make their Valentine’s Day special. Uh...hmmm. Given my complete lack of motivation to do anything other than lie on my couch, this was not easy feat. Luckily, I went into the grocery store last week and saw these cheap cute little Pez dispenser/cuddly bear/key chains. Those would do! I put them at the table this morning, which I decorated with a red tablecloth. Boy did they love those key chains. 

I told them that we would be having our romantic Valentine’s day dinner at Chipotle, and hallelujah! Not one of them whined about it! They LOVE Chipotle.

And then they gave me my present. They have been working on it for the past two days. It is not their best work, I have to say. And I can say that, because I am way too bitter to be one of those moms who thinks that every single thing their children touch is spectacular and needs to be put in a museum. Honestly. I prefer brighter colors. Just sayin’. But, they tried really hard to make it 3-D and I think that that’s pretty amazing. Even if they did use up an entire role of tape to do it. Whatever. I'm just going to make a note of that, and one day when they are all grown up, I'm going to one of their houses to steal a role of scotch tape, and we'll be even steven. Anyway, here is my gift from them: 

Happy valentines day!
I love it ridiculous amounts. I hung it in my closet. Naomi asked me if she could put a shin on it so I could kiss it every time I walked past it. Like a mezuzah. Think that qualifies as having a "G-d complex"? I'd say so.


So, that's my Valentine's Day. It would be really nice if I had someone who loved me to give me a pretty necklace, but I'm not going to complain. The last time I had that, he walked out. The ones who gave me this year's present, wouldn't do that to me. They are too young to drive and way too lazy to even get to the end of the block, so I'd say I'm stuck with them until they get their licenses!






*When he built the house, he had it built around his pool table. Sadly, I am not kidding. It wasn’t in the basement or “billiard room.” It was right in the middle of my house. As in, open the door, go past entry way, “Hello, Pool Table.” 

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Random

Am I the only person who, every time my car makes a weird noise, is convinced that someone was tampering with it and either cut my brakes or attached a bomb to it or something?

I'm not right? You guys know you have those thoughts, too.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Finger

Naomi: "Mommy, I love you!" (((hugs))) "You look like you have a baby in your belly."

At what point is it no longer inappropriate to give your 5 year old the finger?

Friday, February 10, 2012

Sophie

My parents had to put their dog to sleep. She was 14. I am so sad for them. They are really broken hearted and my mom has been crying nonstop. Really, nonstop...like, all the time. I wish I could do something to help her.

That said, if she says to me one more time, "I didn't think of her as a dog, she was just my third child," I'm gonna start to get really annoyed.


She looks nothing like me!

Thursday, February 9, 2012

You should get out more

I get told this a lot and honestly, it pisses me off. I mean, why? Why exactly should I get out more? What do these people offering this really annoying advice think it is going to do for me? And what is the appropriate response?
Annoying person: You should get out more!
Me: Oh my g-d, you’re right? Why the hell didn’t I think of that? Buh-bye kids. Try not to kill each other!
or maybe...
Annoying person: You should get out more!
Me: Awesome, can I have $50 because I’m gonna go meet some friends (ha) for dinner and my sitter needs to come at 6:30, so I leave the house at 6:45, get to the restaurant at 7, get seated and and order by 7:20, then the food will come by 7:40, and I’ll hang out with my friends (ha) until 9:15 and get home at about 9:30. If I spend no more than $20 on dinner (and let’s be real, even if I order the house salad for $5.95, by the time I add the tip and split the bill with my 15 friends (ha) who all ordered entrees and drinks, I’m not getting out of there dropping less than a 20), the going rate for babysitters is $10/hour, so this evening you suggested to me is a little out of my budget right now, but if you can loan me a few, I’d love to!
or maybe...
Annoying person: You should get out more!
Me: Ok. Can you babysit for me. Oh no, not just when I go out but all day before I go out and then the next day, too. You can? Great!!
You see, on any given day, by the time I’m finished with everything I need to do, I pretty much want to crawl to my closet to put on my pajamas and then sit like a bump on a log on my couch with my remote control for 60 minutes, or at least however long I can keep my eyes open. Oh yeah, and do laundry so my kids have clean clothes. (Laundry...it never freakin’ ends!) What I do not want to do is shower, blow dry and straighten my hair, find something to wear that fits me, flatters me, and belongs in this decade, apply makeup (hello green eyeshadow), go out, and then come home way after I should be asleep because guess what? I got NO ONE to help me in the morning, and I’ve got three kids who need me to get up and take care of them. And I don’t want to be more tired than usual.
Also, I like being home. I like spending time and relaxing with my kids, taking pictures, playing on the computer, reading and watching tv, etc. I’m a total homebody! I have never felt this burning desire to go out. So why would I now, when there are so many obstacles anyway?
So bottom line, I DON’T WANT TO GO OUT! Now this might speak to the state of mind I’m in, but that’s just how I feel. I would love it if I knew someone who made me want to go out...get dressed despite my exhaustion and spend money I don’t have, but at this time, I don’t have that special someone. So for all the people who feel the need to tsk-tsk my pathetic life and offer those pearls of wisdom day after day, please come up with some advice I can use. Like how to hell to wean a TWO AND A HALF YEAR OLD!!!  Yeah, that would be useful!

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Tu B'shvat

Today is Tu B'shvat. The Jewish Birthday of the Trees. All over the world people are celebrating by planting trees, having Seders and birthday parties and eating the required fruits. If i was a good Mommy, I would be doing that stuff with my kids, too. But I'm not, and I'm tired, so instead, I bought a Groupon for Smoothie King! Fruit in a cup...yum! Happy Birthday Trees!

CRASH!

Me:  Kayla, clean that up!
Kayla:  But I can’t!
Me:  Kayla, you had better clean that up!

Kayla (holding up her hands in a really pathetic way):  But Mommy, I can’t because my power is broken.
Me: Clean that up!
Kayla (still holding up her hands):  But Mommy, there is blood. See? There is pretend blood on my hands...

I literally had to put a "pretend" spell on her making the "pretend blood" go away and thereby reinstating her "power."
Now, I am not telling you this so that you think, “Oh, isn’t she cute?!” I am telling you this so that you feel bad for me, People! She is TWO! What the hell is she going to be like in a few years? I’m in TROUBLE!!! 
But she is sort of cute, huh?


DSC_0065b

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Hunger Games Trailer Spoof

My friend sent me the link to this, and the fact that I have watched it several times and nearly peed in my pants more than once let's me lets me know that I probably need counseling more than I like to admit it (and I'm pretty free to admit it). Kayla's preschool teacher is in the middle of reading the series and I know she likes it and I am so tempted to send her this to see if she thinks it is funny, but I'm afraid she will judge me and possibly question my parenting, because seriously, there has to be something wrong with me for liking this, right?


Gift with purchase

You know you are in a pretty crappy place in your life if an unexpected “gift with purchase” makes you boohoo like a baby. 

I am on a pretty serious budget. You know, given that I make $10 an hour AND just had my hours cut significantly AND I have three children and an asshole ex-husband (oops! Did I just say that?) who doesn’t pay me what he should, money is tight. I was never spoiled or a big spender. Even when I was married, and had the means to be a big spender, my ex never liked me to spend money on myself (that goes along with the whole “asshole” thing). Did I mention he is a surgeon? So, while I never overspent on myself, if I wanted a new cosmetic item, I pretty much bought it. I may have waited until there was free shipping or a gift with purchase, because I like free stuff as much as anyone else, and I grew up with parents who are poor cheap, so it was sort of ingrained in me to try to get the most from my buck. Either way, I wouldn't stress for weeks about my purchases, and it didn’t overly concern me that my favorite line of makeup was kind of really expensive. Once the asshole (I’m on a role here) decided that walking out on me and his three children (ages three and under) was appropriate, I knew that things were going to need to change. 

Which leads me to this really boring story. 

A few weeks ago, I realized that I needed to buy a new powder. I also knew that the powder that I am currently using and loving is really expensive. For weeks I stressed about this. Like I said, I do not like to overspend, but I also really hate to spend less money on something that I’m not going to like and then end up getting what I wanted in the first place which means I spend even more. 

Finally the other day, I was kid-free for a few hours and in between gyno and derm visits (partay), when I drove past the mall. I decided to go in and get my powder. Who the hell writes posts about powder? This is awesome!). As I handed over my credit card for my powder (which makes my skin look about as flawless as it is going to, which isn’t really flawless at all), the lady at the counter says to me, “I’m going to throw in a few extras.” I swear, my ears literally perked up. Like a spaniel’s. I asked her what I was getting and she started going on about some perfume samples, a little lipgloss, and a full-sized eyeshadow! That’s when the tears started flowing! I was so appreciative of that full-sized pretty green eyeshadow. The more I thanked her, the more she put into my bag. When she mentioned that if I gave her my phone number she would call me when they started doing complimentary facials, I swear, I passed out for just a second. 

I came to just in time to sign my credit card receipt, and while I am exaggerating just a little bit about the whole passing out thing, I really was so thrilled to get my extras.

It was so nice to get some treats and I felt really good about things. Yet as I type this, I am confused. I honestly don’t know what it means that something as little and insignificant as an eyeshadow, albeit a $30 eyeshadow, makes me so happy. Does it mean, "Hey awesome! Lisa doesn't need much. For her birthday, let's get her a box of kleenex and call it a day!" Or does it mean that life is so hard some days, that any act of kindness, even if it is some green eyeshadow that I will hardly ever wear (because let's be honest, I never go anywhere green eyeshadow is needed), can make things seem better than they are? I don't know. And maybe I shouldn't care. Maybe I should just  add it to my makeup collection and hope that I get to wear it before Naomi does!! 

Monday, February 6, 2012

Aspirations

Naomi, "Mom, can you take a picture of me and post it on eBay?" Hmmm...either someone needs to get her websites straight or she has aspirations that I need to be concerned with.

Sunday, February 5, 2012

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood!

I am just loving her short hair. I am so proud of her for doing Locks of Love. Even though she has no idea what a mitvah she did and talks alternately about sending her hair either: a) to be turned into feather dusters, b) to her bald Poppy, or most recently c) to her Nana, who needs thicker eyebrows

These pictures were taken today in my attempt to be a good Mommy and take my children to the park on this ridiculously gorgeous fake spring day. I say "fake spring" because it is 70 degrees, all of the springtime trees and flowers are blooming, birds are going crazy, flying all over the place, and it's FEBRUARY!! So, while I would have much rather put my darling children in front of the tv and remained attached to my computer all day, I put my best foot forward and took all three kids to the park. Only have pictures of two, but I swear the third one was there, also.

Look Ma, no hands!!

Don't they look happy? Like they don't have a care in the world, right? Like I should pat myself on the back for taking them out into the beautiful sunshine..? Job well done, eh? Don't let those smiling faces fool you. There was plenty of whining, crying, stomping of feet, and general misery after my phone snapped these.

So now, they are in front of the tv watching a movie, and I am attached to my computer! Ahhh...peace!

I'm so excited!

It is not often that I get excited about something. Like so ridiculously excited that I added a little countdown widget on my sidebar. Right over there ----->
See it?
That, my friends, is the countdown to THE HUNGER GAMES MOVIE!!!

I am also putting it on this post, because I realized that as I write more posts, this entry will be pushed further down and soon my arrow will be pointing to random sidebar widgets. So here it is:



Sigh....

I'm sooooooo excited! Sadly, I will most likely NOT be seeing it opening night (the whole Shabbat thing gets in the way of fun stuff like that). So I'll be stuffing myself with challah and looking forward to seeing it two days later. Yeah, not seeing it Saturday either, but that's not my fault.

I have seriously watched this trailer 22 times now. Check it out...



I think I am going to have to reread the entire series now.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Motherhood

I can't pee alone, talk on the phone alone or shower alone, and I have to answer questions like this: "Mommy, when you die, can we get a video game?"

Friday, February 3, 2012

A Little Story for you

Once upon a time, there was a Little Girl, with very long hair, and a very Bad Attitude. She whined. And cried. All the time, it seemed.

Especially when her sweet and kind Mommy was brushing her beautiful long hair. One morning, Mommy couldn't handle the crying anymore, so she informed Little Girl that that afternoon, she was going to take her to get a haircut and Little Girl would give her hair to sick children who need it.

That afternoon, they went to the only salon in their neighborhood that doesn't charge $20 for doing Locks of Love.

Little Girl with the Bad Attitude refused to have a picture taken of her face.


See? Long hair!!


Get ready...

Buh Bye hair!


Now Little Girl is Happy!


Even though she refuses to look at her shoes, like the nice Hair Cutter asks, so that she can get evened out.


Good-Bye knots!!! Good-Bye Crying every morning (yeah, right!).


Little Girl asks if instead of sending her hair to sick children who need it, we can turn them into Feather Dusters. Nice.


Everyone (except Mommy who is really trying to lose some weight) got Blue ice cream to celebrate Little Girl's haircut, and they lived Happily Ever After!

Thursday, February 2, 2012

100th day of school

100 day of school by Lisa Furie
100th day of school, a photo by Lisa Furie on Flickr.
Elliott and Naomi had to dress like they were 100 years old for the 100th day of school. Not sure if this is exactly what they were looking for, but we had fun trying!