Friday, January 6, 2012

Smurf This

This is going to be a two (maybe three) part post because while I've got a lot to say, I also have a dvr that's waiting for me...

In this post,* I listed several times that one of the reasons I sleep with my kids is because no one else wants to sleep with me. That might not be 100% true. I think a more accurate statement would be that these days, anyone (aside from my kiddos) who does want to sleep with me is kind of giving me the heebie-jeebies. For example, for the past couple of months, I have been communicating with a guy. I’ll call him, “Smurf.” Oh...wait, you want to know why I am calling him “Smurf”? Well, it would not be cool to put his name here for starters. I think I could get in trouble for that if he found out... Secondly, I had been calling him “The Midget,” but that seemed really politically incorrect. And while he’s not blue per se, I just saw the movie and now I’ve got Smurfs on the brain.

So, I started communicating with him a couple of months ago. I met him through *gasp* JDate. Yup...that’s right, haven’t learned my lesson yet. At first we emailed. His emails were funny and flattering and consistent (every night at 10pm). In my defense, during our initial communications, I was not aware that he could be compared to someone a mere Three Apples High. He omitted this from his profile...DEAD GIVEAWAY!  Then we advanced to phone calls. They were nice. He seemed like a very nice person...who called me every other night at exactly 8:15. Ah...predictability. That would probably be a huge turn on for someone a little more stable than myself. Then we met. He was too so nice in person. I almost didn’t notice his slight facial twitch. Or the fact that he was really into his daughter’s gymnastics stuff. He brought me a tulip when we met (I had mentioned them in a previous conversation, but I'm really more of a rose kind of gal), and then after our date, gave me a second tulip. I thought it was sweet until someone pointed out to me that it was kind of The Bachelor/Rose Ceremony-ish. While we were saying goodbye in the parking lot, he went in for what I thought was a hug but turned out to be kiss. Oh boy. Where do I even begin?? First of all, I’m not so into kissing in parking lots. I think first kisses should be special, not a quick familial peck while I'm wondering if my clothing is reflective enough to avoid getting run over, and third I noticed that I didn’t have to tilt my head up to meet his little puckered lips.
But I'm nothing if not optimistic (that's a load of crap really), and I was still kind of liking him and was excited to get to know him better. Then the texts started. Ten hours later to be exact. And they never stopped. Let’s discuss the first text. It was very long. It included an invitation to his house on New Years Eve to cook dinner together, drink wine, and sit on the couch watching tv. Do you have any idea how many problems I have with this??? 
  • I hate long texts
  • I hate when people ask me out via texts
  • after one date, I don’t want to spend New Years with some guy because New Years is special, and I would rather spend it with people that most likely I will still be on speaking terms with the following New Years, and chances are, Smurfy, it ain’t you.
  • Do you have any idea what babysitters cost on New Years? Seriously, do you? Because I don’t and I want to be prepared in case someone tall asks me out next year.
  • This early on, I’m not cooking dinner. You can buy me dinner, thank you.
  • Sitting on the couch and watching tv is code. You know it and I know it, and no thank you. I don’t make out with teeny tiny men who have Tulip Ceremonies for me in the parking lot of The Melting Pot.
To Be Continued.....

*Ok, seriously, I'm already linking to previous posts!! I've just reached double digits! Who the hell do I think I am??

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