Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Rights

I was explaining to a very sassy Naomi this morning that she had "privileges" and not "rights" and could not, just get what she wants by ordering me around. Our conversation went something like this:

Me: Naomi, you have NO rights. You have privileges, and when you speak to me in that tone, you do not get those privileges.

Naomi: I do too have rights.

Me: No, you do not have rights.

Naomi: Yes.

Me: No.

Naomi: Yes. See? THIS is my right!!!


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Yup. That is her right hand. And see that face? That is the face she makes when she is angry at me! I love that girl!!!

I Heart Faces photo challenge-Oh So Silly

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This photo was submitted to the I Heart Faces photo challenge – www.iheartfaces.com

Photo Challenge Submission

Monday, January 30, 2012

Dr. Elliott

Elliott got picked this week to be Scientist of the Week at school. Oh the emotions this caused:
  • Elliott: excited
  • Naomi: my death would have been less upsetting to her than her brother getting picked first
  • Kayla: totally stoked that we ignored her and left her in front of Little Einsteins for 2 hours
  • Me: pretty freakin' annoyed that science experiments are starting in Kindergarden!
But, what can you do? I picked the experiment. Shhh...don't tell anyone. I'm sure he was supposed to pick it himself, and we ran through it a couple of times at home. We did Dancing Raisins. All about buoyancy. Pretty cool (and easy).

His teacher sent home a bag with some books, a pair of goggles and a lab coat to "inspire creativity." So cute!! Check out my little scientist.


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Then I looked a little bit closer at his lab coat:

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Hmmm...Pretty impressive. I was happy that he finally learned to count to 100. I had no idea he had mastered med school.
If anyone is nearing the 40 week mark and needs his services, let me know! I'm sure we could cut you a deal.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Riding bikes in JANUARY!

Riding bikes in JANUARY! by Lisa Furie
Riding bikes in JANUARY!, a photo by Lisa Furie on Flickr.

4/52 Sparkle

4/52 Sparkle by Lisa Furie
4/52 Sparkle, a photo by Lisa Furie on Flickr.

Kind of like childbirth

I’m not sure, because all of my children were born via caesarian, but I am in the midst of potty training my third, and I have a sneaky feeling that the words coming from our bathroom are similar to words being said in delivery rooms all across America:
  • You can do it!
  • Keep pushing!
  • On the count of three, push hard!
  • One more big push, and it’s out!
  • It’s coming!
  • I can see it!

and finally...
  • You POOPED!


Saturday, January 28, 2012

Opinions needed!

Which is worse? You call a boy and...
He doesn't call you back...EVER!
He calls you back a week later and in his voicemail says that he completely forgot about you.
They both SUCK!!

  
pollcode.com free polls 

Friday, January 27, 2012

Proof G-d is laughing at me

I find it quite difficult to be a good Jewish mom and bake challah with my children for Shabbat and at the same time, cut back on my carbs.

Costco, tapes and books-basically a really boring post

I have a Costco problem. Actually, I think it is more of an addiction. I love it. I do the majority of my shopping there. In fact, lately I rarely go to the grocery store or Target because all of my shopping needs can be met at that great Warehouse with sample filled isles. Ahhhh....pure heaven. I have made complete meals of the samples they hand out there. In fact I think the level of excitement that I feel when I get my monthly Costco coupon booklet it is a little abnormal. It comes in the mail, and I literally can’t wait to open it up and see what I’ll be saving on this month. And when I got mine yesterday and opened it up...JACKPOT!!! Coupons GALORE! 
Here were some of the awesome coupons for things I will be stocking up on this week: 
  • children’s vitamins (to keep the children healthy)
  • Advil (perfect for headaches caused by the children)
  • dish detergent (I keep having to feed my children) 
  • coupon for Oxi Clean (children are slobs!). 
And my favorite coupon of all:
  • packing tape (for taping up my children when they get too annoying)
KIDDING!!! I totally don’t do that, but I was on a roll there.
But actually, I use a lot of packing tape, and I’m going to tell you why. 
A couple of months ago, I found out about this awesome website called Paperback Swap. It is ridiculously awesome. You post a whole bunch of books you have that you don’t want anymore and then you trade them with people all across the country for books you do want. It is such a great way to get books for just the cost of postage. I know the library is free, but sometimes I get a little busy and it takes me more than three weeks to read a book. Go figure. So, I use Paperback Swap, and therefore, I spend a lot of time packing up books to send to people and hence, get very excited about packing tape.
Btw- there is no pressure to sign up for Paperback Swap, but if you do, and use my link, and list 10 books, I will get a credit for another book. If you do not want me to get the credit, because you are mean ore something, don’t go through my link.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Not so Smurfy

I don’t like to leave things unfinished, so for anyone who was wondering what happened with this guy. I’ll just cut to the chase. We are...no longer. I just wasn’t that into him.

See, the thing is, before I even went out with him, I saw his picture. It was ok. Not ugly, but just totally- blah. In his defense, it was his Lawyer Picture. 

Not in his defense, he didn’t have to post his Lawyer Picture. He could have put up a picture of himself smiling and having fun with a more interesting backdrop that 1000 books! But I, being the fabulous gal I am, wanted to give him a try, because I honestly believe that you can’t tell what someone looks like from a photo. You need the WHOLE picture to know what someone looks like. Based on photo alone though...there was no S.E.X. appeal. But I went out with him. And guess what? In person...no S.E.X appeal! He was nice. But with no...umph! And that’s not to say he has to be an asshole for me to like him (although, let’s be honest here, that probably wouldn’t hurt), but there has to be more than “nice” to someone. A sense of humor for one. I guess something that makes me wonder what makes him tick.
Anyway, you all know by now that texting is not really my thing, and the more he texted, the more annoyed I got. 
And he texted a lot.
He asked me out a few times, and I wanted to go out with him again, but the times he asked didn’t work. In truth, if I had wanted to see him badly, I would have made him work. 

My guess is, if I was attracted to him, I probably wouldn't have minded the texting!
We kept in contact though and I really enjoyed speaking to him for the most part. He did irritate the crap out of me one night when I told him I couldn’t go out with him because I couldn’t get a babysitter. I had asked FOUR girls and none of them could sit for me that night. Interestingly, had any of them been able to sit for me, I was planning on going out with someone else, but he didn’t need to know that. When I told him I couldn’t find a sitter, he offered to bring a girl over to my house to babysit for my kids so we could go out. While I appreciated that, I’m just not leaving my three kids with a 15 year old that I have never met. Call me Crazy.
He got pissed. We had to have a “talk” because he wanted to know what my feelings for him were. Is there anything less attractive than when a guy acts like a girl? Blech! I pretty much used that conversation to make him seem completely needy and clingy and that was the end of it. 
On to the next one. Not that there is one right now. And I’m so tired, that’s actually ok!!

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Vegetarian Times

For all the bitching I've done about Martha's magazine that started showing up in my mailbox, I probably shouldn't be telling you about this, but I just ordered a magazine! And I'm telling you because the deal is really too good not to. You should get it, too. Even if you're not a vegetarian, but you probably really should be because eating dead animals is gross.

This deal is courtesy of Kosher on a Budget, and it is for a subscription to Vegetarian Times. $4.99 for a year!! You can order up to four years at this price. I only ordered two because I have commitment issues.

You have to enter the promo code KOSHERBUDGET at checkout to see the discounted price.

Birthday Party

This past weekend I was invited to a birthday party. I didn’t go. It wasn’t a child’s birthday party for one of my kids’ friends. I never miss those. This was a party for a adult friend of mine who turned the big 4-0. Let me rephrase. She is not actually a friend. She is the mother of one of my kids’ friends and a very nice lady. A teacher. And I would like very much to be her friend. And I guess she thinks the same of me or she wouldn’t have invited me to her party, but as I said, I didn’t go.
The thought of securing and paying for a babysitter and getting dressed to go out at night, was so exhausting...and that was just the thought of it! Can you imagine the reality of it? Getting dressed. To go out. Of the house at 7 or 8 at night! 
I am usually in my PJs by then. Preferably sitting on my tush with the remote in my hand.
So...there goes that possible friendship out the window.
I’ve said that I don’t have a whole lot of friends. I used to blame it on my bitchiness, now I’m just too damn tired for friends. See, if you have friends, you have to have the energy to return phone calls, grab a cup of coffee and go out to celebrate a 40th birthday! Yeah, I don’t have that kind of energy. It used to be easier. No matter how tired I was, I wasn’t  going to prevent my children from having play dates, and a play date for toddlers=a play date for mommies. As they have gotten older however, play dates don’t include Mommies. Now a play date means, banish the kids to the basement and pray they don’t burn anything down. If you want to hang with a Mommy friend, that is usually separate. And these days I just don’t have the energy for it. So, I don't have so many friends. 
I’m not happy about it. As I said, I really like this girl and would love to be friends with her. She is super nice, lives nearby, has great kids, etc. Maybe I will rest up over the next 11 3/4 months or so, so that I have energy to go out for her 41 birthday!!

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Mommy of the Year? Nope.

The past few weeks, Kayla has been learning about Nursery Rhymes at school. The other day, we had a homework assignment. Every family was assigned a rhyme and had to fill a bag with little props for that particular rhyme. Our rhyme was Humpty Dumpty. We filled the bag with a little king and horse, a drawing of a wall and this:
cute, huh?

I mean there is some smudging on little Humpty's face, but otherwise, I was pretty impressed with myself. I got it all together before 7:30 am. Even more impressive. Overall, I thought I deserved a "Yeah Mommy!" Or something.

Then I have mornings like today. Before 7:30 am I had: threatened to cut off someone's hair, threatened to burn a toy if it was ever taken out in the morning again, taken away TV and computer privileges until 2013 and screamed until my throat hurt. Yeah, definitely not getting a "Yeah Mommy" today.

Dentists, Doctors and Martha- Oh My!

A couple of weeks ago, it took FOUR people to hold down this little dumpling at the dentist in order to get one x-ray.

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Today she has an appointment at the eye doctor. G-d help me.

In other news, yesterday I got my February issue of Martha Stewart Living. That makes THREE issues in less than two weeks. I am pretty sure someone is trying to play a cruel joke on me.

Monday, January 23, 2012

I Heart Faces photo challenge-By the Book

By the Book by Lisa Furie


"Size matters not. Look at me. Judge me by my size do you?"-Yoda


This photo was submitted to the I Heart Faces photo challenge – www.iheartfaces.com
Photo Challenge Submission

Sunday, January 22, 2012

3/52 Everyday Tools

3/52 Everyday Tools by Lisa Furie
3/52 Everyday Tools, a photo by Lisa Furie on Flickr.
Here is my entry for this week's (ok, last week's, I'm a day late) Paint the Moon challenge. The theme was Everyday Tools.

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Stop "bugging" me

There are a lot of things that I don't like about not being married. For starters, there is the "no nookie" thing. Haha. Just kidding. I usually consider that a bonus. 
But seriously! There is a lot of responsibility I have and no one to share it with. Now truthfully, when I was married, he wasn't exactly a "chip in and help" kind of guy. He was more of a "Me man. I go work. When I no work, I go out with idiot friends and you do everything else." But there were some things that I didn't have to do completely on my own. And now they all fall to me. For example, changing lightbulbs. Man I hate that! I can’t stand the sound of the lightbulbs as you screw/unscrew them. It's like nails on a chalkboard to me. And lightbulbs feel so dirty and dusty. They literally gives me chills when I touch them. And not in a good way. Isn't it funny the things you don't know about people until they start unleashing them all upon the Internet? 
Then there is battery changing. So annoying. I have a stack of broken toys in my office all awaiting attention from me, my screwdriver and a couple of Duracell.
But the worst thing of all that I have to deal with is... BUGS. Yuk! Roaches. Spiders. Wasps. Hate them all. I am seriously considering getting a bat house to hang in my backyard to help with this situation. Of course, then I will have rodents...
I already have an exterminator. And plenty of bug swatters. Not to mention, I am totally training my kids to deal with these little suckers. They do a pretty good job. 
But this...you see this?



This little bug has been my nemesis for over SIX MONTHS now. Know what it is? It is a pantry moth. Know how I got them?






That’s right. I try so hard to be a good person. In the spring I like to plant a garden with my kids. We get lots of vegetables and it’s a lot of fun. Since I pretty much live in a forrest, I was worried about squirrels eating my veggies. Several ways to deal with that, I was told. I could either put hot pepper sauce around my garden, or just set up a “squirrel station” at the other end of my yard. Me, being the kind soul that I am, figured, “Why burn the little squirrelies’ tongues?” I’ll just choose Plan B. So I went to the store, bought a big bag of squirrel food, started feeding them and wa-la. The good news is they left our garden alone. We must have eaten 6000 tomatoes this summer. Also, watching squirrels eat, is pretty darn entertaining. The bad news? Apparently, inside the humongous bag of squirrel food I got, were little pantry moth larvae! Know what they turn into? Plain old pantry moths. Know how many I’ve killed since our infestation in July? Probably about a gazillion. And I’m not kidding. After I threw away my squirrel food, I set traps everywhere. They were full within the week. But the moths weren’t gone yet. It even took a month or two before some bugs discovered that my pantry was chock full of food even tastier than dried corn and seeds. Since this summer, I have literally purged all open packages from my pantry THREE times. I no longer keep anything in my cabinet. Every time I think I find the “source,” and get rid of it, I spy another flying bugger. It is nonstop. And I have no one to help me. I mean, sure, the kids help me throw food away. They like to try to kill the bugs, but the stress of having BUGS in my house? It is mine and mine alone.
I am actually writing this now because I think that there is a chance that perhaps they are gone for good. I wouldn’t dare humiliate myself by informing all of you that I currently have some flying house guests. It seems much more acceptable to tell you that I used to have them. I haven’t seen any in a couple of weeks. Maybe I am almost ready to restock my shelves..?
But I swear. If they come back...I just can’t deal with it again. I’m gonna have to find some guy to marry, just to help get rid of these damn bugs! Or maybe not. I don’t know if it’s a good idea to trade in a bunch of annoying little creatures for one big one...

Thursday, January 19, 2012

A weird thing was in my mailbox

You want to hear something funny? I somehow started getting Martha Stewart Living! Have you ever heard of anything so funny in your life? You don’t know why that’s funny? Want me to tell you? Well, there about a million things I would like to receive for free. Martha’s magazine is not one of them. Know why else? I don’t have time to read magazines. My priorities these days include making sure we all have clean underwear to wear. Seriously. I have about 62 People Magazines sitting in my house that desperately need my attention, but I just can’t get to them. I am so behind. I heard a prince got married or something a while back. Still not funny for you? Well, even if I did have time to read magazines, I’m not really a Martha kinda gal. Real Simple is more up my alley, but I don't even have time for that. And I am all about signing up for samples and free things as much as the next person is, but I swear I don’t remember signing up for this magazine. They just started appearing in my mailbox. Although I got the December issue two days ago and January just came today so I’m already less impressed than I was before I started getting the magazine. Because if I do let’s say, forgo clean undies for us, I’d rather it be for something other than 72 Christmas cookie recipes in JANUARY! That’s just annoying.
And it’s not like I have time to make any of Martha’s recipes. Although if I was going to make one, it would be this one. Someone made these one time for a child’s birthday party, and they were AMAZING!!! Really. Go make them. Now. 
But I’m not so much of a cook these days.
I used to be. I remember cooking and spending hours reading cookbooks and deciding on meals for friends. And then when I got married (gag) to him, boy did I plan some elaborate meals. I was so used to being known as a good cook by everyone, I didn’t want to let him down. Of course I don’t think he ever said anything more than, “It’s fine.” (nice, huh?) And that was after pouring 1/2 of bottle of ketchup all over the meal that had taken me hours to prepare. And interestingly enough, I didn’t even eat what I prepared for him because I am a vegetarian. Hours I spent cooking food that I didn’t even eat just to feed some ingrate. But I digress.
As I alluded to above, I don’t have a lot of time. By the time we all get home at night, the kids and I are exhausted and I am no more interested in cooking an elaborate Martha Stewart-esque meal than they are in eating it. In fact, when I ask them what they want for dinner, 99% of the time, the answer is sandwiches. And plenty of times I am more than happy to oblige. Not all the time. They get hot, yummy meals too. But most of the time I need something quick and tasty.
That brings me to this.
Last night I made a dish that I have made several times before and we all LOVE it. In fairness, Naomi always screams and cries and tells me she hates it, but that is a big, fat lie. Once I threaten her with some form of torture to get the first bite into her mouth, she gobbles it up. So, I thought that I really needed to pass it on to you guys because it is so simple and healthy. I kind of adapted it from a recipe on the back of a Trader Joe’s quinoa box.
Drum roll please...


Quinoa Salad
Ingredients
  • 1 1/2 cups of uncooked quinoa (this is about 2 cups in my rice cooker which is how I make quinoa)
  • as much water as you need for that (I follow the little lines on my rice cooker to tell me how much I need)
  • 1 can of black beans (or two if you want more)
  • 3/4-1 avocado cut up (duh)
  • couple of handfuls of grape tomatoes sliced
  • 1 small cucumber
  • 1 cup of thawed frozen corn
  • olive oil
  • lemon juice
  • garlic salt
  • lemon pepper (from Trader Joe’s)
  • dried Cilantro (fresh would probably be better, but who am I fooling?)

Directions
Cook quinoa and mix it up with everything else. Add anything you want and adjust amounts. My kids like it if I add shredded cheese to theirs. Elliott asked me to add salsa to his, but I didn’t have any and I think it would be kind of gross.
I made the quinoa in the morning before we left for school and when we got home, it took me less than 10 minutes to add everything else. So easy and yummy! If you make it, let me know how it turns out. It really is delicious. 

It would probably also really be good if you made it with couscous instead of quinoa. Sometimes I tell Naomi that it is couscous salad to get her to eat it, because she thinks she doesn't like quinoa, and then when she is 3/4 of the way done I point and laugh and tell her it was really quinoa. Psych! She hates it when I do that.
So you see? Not only do I not have time to read Martha Stewart, but who needs her anyway?

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

My evening

I think it really defeats the point of buying MINI peanut butter cups if I'm going to eat 149 of them. At once. While sitting on my couch. Watching "The Bachelor."

Wow. That's even more pathetic when I see it in print!

Stop TEXTING me!

I am not a fan of dating. Actually, I hate it. I hated it before I was married and I hate it now. For anyone who has ever said to me, "just date for fun!" my response is a resounding, "HUH?!?!?" Let me explain. Here are some things that sound like fun to me (notice I didn't say: "here are some things I do for fun." That is because I don't have time to actually do anything fun. So instead I am merely listing things that sound fun): 
  • Sit on my couch in a spotless house and watch hours of mindless TV with no place to go, no commercials, no worries, and lots of no calorie snacks (oh my Gawd that sounds awesome!!)
  • A three day shopping spree sponsored by a really generous benefactor. Also, it would be even more fun if I had just recovered from a similarly sponsored tummy tuck
  • Two weeks all paid for trip to...DISNEY WORLD! With my kids. And no crowds. And lots of money to spend on everything they want. And lots of food to eat which, because this is my idea of fun, has miraculously, no calories
Those are some ideas of a good time to me! Now, I’m sorry, did you hear me mention DATING in there? No? Oh...want to know why? Because it SUCKS!!! There is the guessing and the questioning and the, “he’s not calling enough,” and the even more annoying, “he’s calling too much.” There's wondering if he's a good kisser. If he is going to kiss you. If he is going to kiss you in a parking lot! Who pays for dinner. What should I eat for dinner? Is there a piece of dinner caught between my teeth? It goes on and on and on. And these are problems that have been common for years before I got back on the Dating Train. It all stinks and it’s all annoying as hell. But now there is another problem that honestly makes me want to puke. And I mean that in the most ladylike way possible. 
TEXTING!!! 
Here's a novel idea. If you have something to say to me...PICK UP THE PHONE! Do NOT text me to ask me if I can chat. If you call me and I can’t/don’t want to talk to you, guess what, I won’t answer. But I don’t have an extra 15 seconds to read a damn text and reply, only to then have to deal with a phone call later. And if I call you and you don’t want to talk to me, don’t send me a lame text with an excuse. Just don’t call me back. Simple. It’s always worked just fine before the age of texting. And if you return my call with a text. That does NOT count as a phone call that means I now have to call you back. Oh, and you know what else? Do NOT send me texts that could be turned into short novels. I’m not interested. Then reading and replying to one of your texts just turns into one more damn thing I have to do. Let’s see, what else annoys me. If you want to know how I am, ask me. Do not text me, because then, the answer to, “how are you doing today?” will undoubtedly be, “I’m pissed off today because I had to answer your annoying text.” I once dated a guy for a couple of months who told me that he didn’t like talking on the phone because it was a waste of his time, but he could text me all day because then he could concentrate on other things. Excuse me? Here’s the deal. I don’t want to talk to anyone I’m dating or considering dating for more than 15 minutes a day. I don’t have that kind of time to take up someone’s time. But I’ll be damned if I’m going to jump every time I hear that annoying chirp of my phone telling me that someone is waiting for my reply. It has just made it impossible to be UNavailable and that is so UNsexy on both ends.
I’m not saying that dating while juggling three small children would be peachy keen if there were no texts, but it’s certainly not peachy now. So, in response for people who say, "Just date for fun." No thank you. Dating to me is not fun. Being alone is not so much fun either, though so I do date. And I hope and pray that one day I can meet someone who I actually like being with who likes being with me and we can date and enjoy each other's company and fall madly and passionately in love WITHOUT texting.
TTFN!

Love these faces!

Love these faces! by Lisa Furie
Love these faces!, a photo by Lisa Furie on Flickr.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Samples

I'm not a coupon freak. I would be if I had the time, patience and organization skills, but I don't. I DO however LOVE free samples!! If you do, too, check this out!!

I Heart Faces photo challenge

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This week's challenge at I Heart Faces was all about Family Fun. I LOVE this picture!! Each of their expressions captures their own personalities so well. Definitely one of my favorites.

Photo Challenge Submission

Isn't this picture creepy?

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She said WHAT?

I love Facebook. I really do. I literally waste hours of my life reading other people's statuses and updating my own. I do, however, feel that there is a lack of honesty at times with it.

For example, I am constantly amazed at the outpouring of "ooooh she's so gorgeous" and "oh my gosh, he's adorable!" in response to pictures of newborn babies...and even not so new babies...and frankly even some older children. I mean come on people! I get it. As new mothers, the hormones kick in and we look at our new bundles of slime covered squinty eyed offspring and we honestly think they are beautiful. Been there done that. I remember like it was yesterday looking at Elliott and Naomi after they were born, six weeks premature, in absolute awe of their beauty. But I’m there mother! I was programmed to think like that. I’m pretty sure that the human species has survived because of this. Otherwise our cavemen ancestors would have eaten their young. Really. This is what they looked like. 

Cute? Nuh uh. 

But at least I can admit it. I didn’t at the time, but it didn’t take me long to look at these baby pictures and wonder what the hell I had been thinking. And were people honest with me? Did they say the truth? Did they say, “Get a grip! These babies look like aliens!" NO they didn’t! And day after day, I see pictures of people’s newborns and the responses astound me. And for all of you, “I think all babies are beautiful!” people...you are blind! They may be sweet, innocent, pearls of preciousness, but they are NOT BEAUTIFUL! Not without an expert in photoshop nearby anyway.

The same goes for people’s facebook status updates. Day in and day out, I read about people quoting the cute, adorable things their little pipsqueaks are saying. “Oh he’s Jerry is so cute, he was sounding out words today!” “Oh Julia is so precious. She said, ‘I love Mommy’ for the first time!” “George is such a hoot! He loves to run around without his diaper!”** GAG!! And what kills me is the responses from people! How do people have time to respond to these inane observations? I’m too busy cleaning up the vomit from my keyboard! Why aren’t people honest? When do we get to hear the TRUTH about motherhood. For example, you know what happened in my house today? After a morning filled with lots of naughtiness, screaming and fighting over a friend’s visit with her iPad, I informed my children that based on their behavior they would get their own iPad, um...NEVER. And what was Naomi’s response to this? “Mom, are you going to die anytime soon? Because I guess I will have to wait until you are dead to get an iPad.” That is what my five year old said to me!! Should I post that on facebook? The gasps and horrors would be heard from miles around because I’m not using social networking to giggle conspiratorially with my friends (I use the term loosely) about the sweet innocence that bubbles from our offsprings’ mouths. But I dare say I’m not the only mother on the block whose children come up with these sentiments. I cannot be the only one whose child is waiting patiently for her demise. 

But people lie. And other people support it. Not me though. Now I’m not asking you to tell me my children are ugly, but don’t tell me they are beautiful if you don’t think so. And as for your own children, they may say the cutest things ever, but personally, I would much rather hear the TRUTH. It would help me (and probably countless other moms) to know that we aren’t alone in the sometimes ridiculousness of motherhood.  And besides, unless your child is reminiscent of one of these characters, chances are the truth is a lot funnier!
**Anyone alert enough to get the Seinfeld inference in there?

Saturday, January 14, 2012

The best $6.95 I ever spent

I think it is safe to say that drooling over the sight of a bottle of wine at 1:00 in the afternoon is a bad sign. Of course, it’s also a pretty crappy sign when you realize in the middle of a job interview for what you thought was your Dream Job is most definitely not. The interview went a little something like this:
Interviewer: Do you want to work with people with disabilities? 
Me: Oh yes, yes, yes. 
Interviewer: Can you take the on-call phone for one week a month? 
Me: Oh of course, that’s not a problem. 
Interviewer: And if you get a call in the middle of the night, can you drive into Atlanta to the group home and deal with whatever the problem might be?
Me: Huh?
Interviewer: The pay is 30K
Me: Good-bye
When I told my recruiter that I didn’t know that the phrase, “Carry 24/7 emergency phone” meant leave my children in the middle of the night, she kind of said in a disgustingly patronizing voice, “Well, what did you think it meant?” Um, well, Snotty Attitude Recruiter, I thought it meant to carry the damn phone and ANSWER it! So, needless to say, I am very disappointed. This whole Must Get a Job thing, sucks!
When I got home from that disastrous interview, the wine was just calling my name. 
You know what amazes me? I went through my ENTIRE 20’s not drinking. And now I wonder, “WHY?” Alcohol is your friend!! I can’t imagine the good times I missed being all boring and sober. Look, I have no interested in being a drunk. Ok, actually, I have a huge interest in it, but overall, I do not think that would serve me well so I’m not going down that path. But why was I so afraid of drinking when I was younger? Since this whole Single Mom thing happened to me, I have realized that a glass of wine is a good thing. You see now, my life pretty much sucks. I admit that. But a glass of wine makes it survivable and at times even pleasant. So if that is the effect that a drink can have on a crappy life, imagine what it would have done for me when my life was easy! My G-d, it would have been a party at my place!
Now don’t go getting all nervous. I don’t drink at 1pm. The wine can call, but I don’t answer (I wait until a respectable 4pm). And I don’t drink and drive. Nothing like that. An occasional sip or two at dinner is all I need to turn that frown upside down. I guess that is the result of not drinking until your mid late 30s. But I do keep a pretty bottle of pink bubbly wine that tastes like Sprite on my counter. It is probably supposed to be in the refrigerator, but I don’t care about that and it doesn’t fit. The lady at Trader Joe’s recommended it to me. She had me at, “It’s pink and bubbly,” but when she added, “It’s got 10% alcohol and costs $6.95,” I swear, I almost kissed her.
So, in response to the dream job that wasn’t, it's a let down, I can't deny it. But when life hands you sour and moldy fermented grapes, you have several choices. In this case, my choice is to say, "Kiss my Ass you 30 thousand dollar a year job that expects me to get up in the middle of the damn night!" and to you Readers, "Cheers!”

Friday, January 13, 2012

Today in the cafeteria

Nothing says “F you, Mom!” like showing up to have lunch with your Kindergardener only to find that he is so embarrassed by the sight of you that he will neither greet you, sit near you or say good-bye to you. Seriously! I just so happened to have nothing to do today (HA! Yeah right...) and decided in all of my Mommy Awesomeness to go have lunch with Elliott and Naomi. And it wasn’t just me that made the trip. I brought Kayla and our totally awesome and amazing babysitter/neighbor who left for college but is home for a few days, as well. So...what do you think my little Line Leader did when he realized that we were waiting outside of the cafeteria for him? He turned several shades of PURPLE and slapped himself on the forehead as if to wake himself from a bad dream. Upon realizing that he was in fact awake and could not escape the humility of my presence, he did the next best thing: he completely ignored me. In fact, at the table, he put three people between himself and me. I caught his eye one time and waved. That was the extent of our communication. I thought Naomi was pretty excited to see me because she bounced up and down quite a bit, but then I realized that she just needed to pee. In her defense though, she did talk to me. I believe her words were, “Mommy, can you walk us back to our class so I can push you out?” Now that’s gratitude! As I walked them back to class, I got to hold Naomi’s hand. They were waiting to go into their classroom, and Mr. If I Don’t Look at Her Maybe She’ll Go Away was doing his best to disappear into the floor. I told his teacher to tell him I said, “Good-bye.” She looked at him and said, “Elliott, don’t you want to say, “bye” to your mom?” He didn’t even look at me, but I saw his little ears turn red as he ran into his room to escape the humiliation. 
So, I guess it’s the end of an era. I am no longer cool to my little one. He is not a baby who wants to hold my hand and give me hugs no matter who is looking. I figure there are several ways to deal with this. I can bemoan the loss of innocence that comes with age (although I really didn’t think it would be gone this soon) or I can embrace the dorkiness that he sees in me and figure out new and unusual ways to mortify him. Oh yeah!!!


DSC_0019-2

***Edited to add: It is amazing how this face can be such a brat during lunch and just now, when I saw him wandering around the kitchen and asked him what he needed, he responded to me with, "I don't need anything because I already have your love." Seriously!?! This boy is gonna melt some hearts one day!

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Kayla

kayla

Seriously, could this girl be any cuter?? If only she didn't know she was so damn cute!!!

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

In case of emergency

You know what sucks? Being 39. You know what else sucks? Being 39 and having to list your mother as your "in case of emergency" contact person. You know what sucks even more than that? Having an emergency, calling your mother THREE TIMES and she doesn't even bother to answer the phone. The FOURTH time I called, she picked it up and said, "Lisa, I can't talk right now," and hung up the phone. NICE! Now one might think, "Well, maybe she didn't know it was an emergency." That is definitely a fair assessment to make if she hadn't answered the first time I called. But FOUR times!! Come on, Lady! (That is what I call her. Come to think of it, maybe if I didn't call her "Lady," she would be more inclined to answer my calls). But seriously, people! She knew I was going to the dentist for a filling. And while that might not seem like a big deal to some of you (or her), to me...it's a big freakin' deal. Especially when while at the dentist I develop a case of trismus!!! That's right. I went to the dentist and left with a case of lockjaw!! What is up with that?
There is a reason I prefer a pap smear a million times over a set of bite wings.
I mean, my dentist is awesome (I would totally link to her here if it weren't for the little case of lockjaw she gave me), but when she started to drill into my tooth after my first two injections of Novocain and I jumped several inches off the chair following the sensation of severe pain, she gave me a third injection. More drilling...more pain...more jumping. Here comes injection number four. Drill...pain...jump. I was starting to feel slightly frustrated. FOUR injections of Novocain? I figured that she figured I was full of crap. Hell, I started to wonder if I was full of crap. Who feels anything after four shots? Ha...I know what you're thinking. Four shots of tequila would have done the trick! Not before noon please. Anyway, that's when I started apologizing for complaining about the pain and asked her how long the drilling was going to last, because maybe if I was prepared for it, I could just deal with it. She laughed an evil laugh (really, it was evil) and told me that it was going to last long enough that I didn't want to feel it. She then informed me that she was going to have to give me the heavy stuff at this point which she didn't give me at the beginning because I'm "so tiny!" Oh my word, I had a laugh over that one!!! And made a mental note to wear my long, denim, gap skirt from ebay every other day from here on out. So, she gave out the BIG SHOT, told me to relax for five minutes until it numbed me up good and then came back to start drilling again. Anyone have any idea what happened when she came back in with a sing song-y, "Open wide!!" Yeah...not exactly! Hello Trismus!! Hello next few days of eating applesauce and other bowls of mush. I can't even be all, "Ooh...this is great. Just what I need to lose those last five ten pounds because guess what? You don't need to chew ice cream!!
Truth is, my jaw is pretty much back in working order now, but you must be crazy if you think I'm telling my mother that...even if she does answer the phone the next time I call.

You know, this never would have happened if this had been my dentist:

Monday, January 9, 2012

I Heart Faces photo challenge

This photo was submitted to the I Heart Faces photo challenge, "Best Face Photo from 2011." Seriously, how could you just not love this face? Actually, people are always stopping me and telling me how much they love her face, her hair (which although you can't tell from this picture, it is a redish, orangey, blonde color), and her little personality. Unfortunately, this has gone to her head just a bit. But seriously, is she a cutie or what?

Kayla



I Heart Faces Photo Challenge & Photography Tutorials

I used to be a morning person

Until I had children I had no idea that the phrases: "Go brush your teeth," "Put on clean underwear," and "Don't forget your backpack ," could have reactions that include tears, screams of fury, throwing one's self down on the floor and vomit.

Friday, January 6, 2012

Smurf This

This is going to be a two (maybe three) part post because while I've got a lot to say, I also have a dvr that's waiting for me...

In this post,* I listed several times that one of the reasons I sleep with my kids is because no one else wants to sleep with me. That might not be 100% true. I think a more accurate statement would be that these days, anyone (aside from my kiddos) who does want to sleep with me is kind of giving me the heebie-jeebies. For example, for the past couple of months, I have been communicating with a guy. I’ll call him, “Smurf.” Oh...wait, you want to know why I am calling him “Smurf”? Well, it would not be cool to put his name here for starters. I think I could get in trouble for that if he found out... Secondly, I had been calling him “The Midget,” but that seemed really politically incorrect. And while he’s not blue per se, I just saw the movie and now I’ve got Smurfs on the brain.

So, I started communicating with him a couple of months ago. I met him through *gasp* JDate. Yup...that’s right, haven’t learned my lesson yet. At first we emailed. His emails were funny and flattering and consistent (every night at 10pm). In my defense, during our initial communications, I was not aware that he could be compared to someone a mere Three Apples High. He omitted this from his profile...DEAD GIVEAWAY!  Then we advanced to phone calls. They were nice. He seemed like a very nice person...who called me every other night at exactly 8:15. Ah...predictability. That would probably be a huge turn on for someone a little more stable than myself. Then we met. He was too so nice in person. I almost didn’t notice his slight facial twitch. Or the fact that he was really into his daughter’s gymnastics stuff. He brought me a tulip when we met (I had mentioned them in a previous conversation, but I'm really more of a rose kind of gal), and then after our date, gave me a second tulip. I thought it was sweet until someone pointed out to me that it was kind of The Bachelor/Rose Ceremony-ish. While we were saying goodbye in the parking lot, he went in for what I thought was a hug but turned out to be kiss. Oh boy. Where do I even begin?? First of all, I’m not so into kissing in parking lots. I think first kisses should be special, not a quick familial peck while I'm wondering if my clothing is reflective enough to avoid getting run over, and third I noticed that I didn’t have to tilt my head up to meet his little puckered lips.
But I'm nothing if not optimistic (that's a load of crap really), and I was still kind of liking him and was excited to get to know him better. Then the texts started. Ten hours later to be exact. And they never stopped. Let’s discuss the first text. It was very long. It included an invitation to his house on New Years Eve to cook dinner together, drink wine, and sit on the couch watching tv. Do you have any idea how many problems I have with this??? 
  • I hate long texts
  • I hate when people ask me out via texts
  • after one date, I don’t want to spend New Years with some guy because New Years is special, and I would rather spend it with people that most likely I will still be on speaking terms with the following New Years, and chances are, Smurfy, it ain’t you.
  • Do you have any idea what babysitters cost on New Years? Seriously, do you? Because I don’t and I want to be prepared in case someone tall asks me out next year.
  • This early on, I’m not cooking dinner. You can buy me dinner, thank you.
  • Sitting on the couch and watching tv is code. You know it and I know it, and no thank you. I don’t make out with teeny tiny men who have Tulip Ceremonies for me in the parking lot of The Melting Pot.
To Be Continued.....

*Ok, seriously, I'm already linking to previous posts!! I've just reached double digits! Who the hell do I think I am??

E

template elliott by Lisa Furie
a photo by Lisa Furie on Flickr.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Why good intentions suck...

I don't like it when people say, "Well, I had good intentions..." Excuse me? So what? Good intentions suck if nothing good comes out of them. Example: I intend to do the laundry. Well that's all fine and good, but if I don't follow through on that, then I'm gonna be wearing some pretty stinky underwear. FYI- I never don't do laundry and have stinky underwear. This was just an example. In truth, my underwear are very clean. They might be so old that they are "holier" than the pope on Easter, but what can I say? I've had them since 1997...been busy. Btw- is that pope comment totally inappropriate to say? I'm not Catholic. I guess I could have said, "'Holier' than the Rebbe on Yom Kippor," but that wasn't as funny and at the same time seemed way more offensive, given that he is dead. So, as I was saying, good intentions suck.

I sleep in my kids' bedroom. I have a multitude of reasons for this (and you can judge me all you want for this, I don't give a damn). Some of my reasons are:

  • my twins have a kick-ass bunk bed with a light right over the bottom bunk, so I can read for a few minutes before I go to sleep without having to get up to turn the light off when I am finished. See? Isn't that an awesome bed?

  • If I sleep with them, it is one less bed I have to make in the morning one one less unmade bed the next day. 
  • No one else wants to sleep with me.
  • They usually sleep better if I sleep with them and don't wind up in another room in the house from the one they started in. They wake up in their bedrooms to their alarm clock. If they are in another room in the morning, there is no alarm clock, and I have to wake them up. I hate that.
  • No one else wants to sleep with me.
  • They really really want me to and hate it when I don't.
So, besides the fact that, (did I mention?) no one else wants to sleep with me. Bottom line is that they really want me to sleep with them and I have good intentions. I want to be a nice Mommy. A Mommy who does the best she can to make her little ones happy. But when said Mommy (aka ME) is woken up repeatedly between 4am and 6am because small male child has a stuffy nose (seriously, a stuffy nose? wimp!), I wake up in a pissy mood, and guess what, I'm not such a nice Mommy!! In fact, I'm a totally irritated Mommy who wants nothing more than to be left alone and sleep all day! I certainly don't want to do carpool and laundry (but I always do laundry...no stinky underwear!) and cook dinner/clean up, etc. I don't want to read stories or play Ben 10. I don't want to be anything remotely like the stellar Single Mom I try to be on a daily basis. I'm just tired and angry at my kids who want me to sleep with them every freakin' night! So, you see, Good Intentions suck. 
Oh, and you know what else? It's NOT just the thought that counts!

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Frenemy

What ever happened to the days of enemies. I don't like you, you don't like me, carry on. Now 


According to Wikipedia, "Frenemy" (alternately spelled "frienemy") is a portmanteau of "friend" and "enemy" that can refer to either an enemy disguised as a friend or to a partner who is simultaneously a competitorand rival.[1]


Now, fyi, I'm not about to give you the definition of "portmanteau"  (just kidding, of course I am), but if you've ever used it in a sentence before, I'm impressed! But I digress. Seriously, Frenemies! I cannot be the only one who has one. And this is the part where I question the sanity of keeping this blog NON-anonymous. You see, I've come to terms with the fact that I don't have a lot of "friends." One true one that I can think of...and if you are reading this Rache, now would be a fabulous time to get your first comment on. :) Say, "Cheese!"
So, I have one friend, someone who I feel really knows me, no secrets, who I can talk to, cry to, laugh with, etc. You get the point. Then I have lots of acquaintances: people who are good to chat with occasionally, hang out with, go out for yogurt with, have playdates with our kids together, etc. And I really like  my acquaintances, so if any of you are reading this, please don't be offended. I would love it if one day we were besties, too. And there are even a few people who I just flat out can't stand. And that's fine. But then there is the one...the only..the FRENEMY. And it is so confusing. Because here I was, for years thinking that this was one of my best friends. We had so much fun together and talked about a lot of stuff and all the time! We had stuff in common, etc. But then as the years went by, I realized that more and more, I did not feel comfortable telling her things. There was a degree of competition that I felt was between us. And honestly, I've done a lot of soul searching about this. I don't think it was on my part. I just kind of felt like any time I did something, she had to go out to do it and do it better. From decorating our homes, to clothing, to collecting things, to HOBBIES, it went on and on. And here's the thing. I would be all about the whole, "She's just jealous/you should be flattered" thing, except for this, she has a pretty incredible life. Way easier and nicer than mine is (except for the kids, mine are the best). But seriously, if she wants the crap that I've had, she is welcome to it! I honestly can't think of why someone would want to steal my life!**
 **I feel like this would be a great time to show a clip or picture of that movie Single White Female, but I didn't actually ever even see it. So instead, check this out (it's a little long, but oh, the memories it'll bring back!):



Wow...can't believe I figured out how to get that little clip in there!


So, this clip might be a little dramatic (I hope!), but sometimes it feels like that. I mean, it doesn't feel like she is going to try to kill me or that Brandon is going to rescue me at the end or anything, but the other parts.
And the thing is, even if I don't tell her everything anymore, Facebook has made stalking your friends frenemies so easy!! So she still can find everything out. And that is exactly what she does. I like a page...she likes the page. I enter a contest, she enters the contest. There is a lot more involved that just that obviously. And before you suggest it, I don't want to stop posting on Facebook. I like it and it makes me happy (except for my stalker frenemy). It is getting to a point that I just can't take it anymore. It is hard for me to be me when someone else is trying so hard to be ME. And the problem with Facebook is that I can't "Defriend" her, because of the "friend" in "frenemy." Kind of.
See, that's why having a "frenemy" is a much a bigger bitch than a plane old ENEMY!