Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Break Fast

And because I wasn’t feeling sorry enough for myself yesterday, today I heard this message when I was leaving synagogue (and no, I wasn’t supposed to be listening to my voicemails on Yom Kippur, but I’m not supposed to be blogging either so here I am, the day is not over and already I’m scoring big with the BIG guy upstairs...yes, I am a sinner), “Hi Lisa, this is R. I’m so sorry, but I’ve got a little cold so you guys shouldn’t come over to Break Fast tonight. I’d hate to get anybody sick. OK, Hon. Have a good day. See you tomorrow at gymnastics.”

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Fake It Till You Make It

Someone told me that one time years ago, and I think about it a lot. And I try to do it. Slap on a smile when I don’t feel like it. Answer the typical, “Hey, how are you?” with “Great!” whether or not I am great. And try my best not to let the kids know if I’m sad. 

Last week was Rosh Hashanah. Tonight starts Yom Kippur. Then there is Sukkot and Simchas Torah. A whole month of Jewish holidays- Happy Days (except Yom Kippur...that’s not supposed to be happy, just “meaningful” "atonement-ful" and hungry (don't tell G-d, but I really hate this day)). Since we have no family here though, we are alone for a lot of holidays. And the truth is, it’s sad to spend the holidays alone. There is no other way to say it. I’m a single mother with three children and we are alone. The thing is, I don’t want the kids to feel lonely or to feel that something is wrong with us because we are not with anyone for the holidays. I want them to be happy. I want them to love the holidays, not dread them like I do. So I smile for them and I tell them how much fun we are going to have. And for the people who ask me, “So what are you doing tonight for dinner?” or "Who are you going to be with for the holidays?" when we have no plans, “It’s just us!” I say, or I just say what synagogue we are going to. That is usually followed by an awkward, “ should come to us...” Um...yeah. Because being an “afterthought” is so cool. No, thank you. And I don’t begrudge anyone for it. It's just embarrassing. For everyone. But I get it. People have their own problems, their own lives and their own families! Who wants to invite an extra FOUR people over! Vegetarians, none the less. It's not like you just throw another pieces of chicken in the oven. We are not simple guests. And I’d love to have people over to my house, but it’s weird. I don’t have a dining room table and my kitchen table is small. It’s hard for me to have guests. On top of that, if I invite a family, it’s weird for the MAN. He has no one MANLY to talk to. What if he feels the need to beat his chest or something, who is he gonna do it with? Men do that, right? I mean, I’ve done it- no, I haven't beaten my chest, that would look silly (and hurt), I've had people over. It’s just that it’s not my favorite thing to do- given my situation, not because I don’t like to have guests over b/c BS (before single), every holiday our house was packed. I used to love cooking and entertaining. But the asshole would not let me have the dining room table (he claimed he needed it for poker games) and I don’t have enough money to get anything I like. Boo hoo.

So, for my children, this holiday season, I am in official, Fake It Til You Make It mode. I want it to be fun for them, and I want their lives to feel full. Even if sometimes mine feels a little empty.

Before Rosh Hashana, I took the kids Apple Picking. It was our THIRD annual pre-Rosh Hashanah trip to pick apples. They love it, and it's really fun. Or as much fun as supervising three children on a trip to an Apple Orchard can be. But the trip means a lot to them and I don't ever want them to have to fake anything! 

Here are some pictures from that day. 

And by the way, we returned from our trip with about 70 apples, and guess what three children have since decided that they don't like apples?

Anyway...I gotta go. But if it applies to you, have an Easy Fast and May You Be Sealed for a Good Year (in the Book of Life). And let's hope next year is about a gazillion times better than this one was...for EVERYONE!! 

Sunday, September 16, 2012


I just love checking my email. Especially when there is a little "jDate" message in my inbox letting me know that someone has contacted me. For about two seconds, I think to myself, "maybe this is it..." So I quickly look at the user name to see if I recognize how it is from and then I read the note and profile (not necessarily in that order). Then reality sets in...

This morning I awoke to a "flirt" on jDate. A flirt is a prewritten line by jDate that the sender chooses to send to someone basically letting them know that they are interested without having to invest too much time into an initial email. I guess that is in case the receiver looks at the sender's profile picture and decides they look like an ogre and there is not way they would go out with them. Kind of lame. The flirt I received this morning said, "Why haven't you been snatched up yet?" There was no picture on the profile, but I went on to read it anyway. This is what he said in his "About Me" section:

I am a very easy going person...Jewish Heritage on both sides of my family...I am a Christian...meaning, that I have accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Saviour...I am an Evangelist Preacher...I have also accepted God's call on my life to Ministry...I have grown children, but I would like to have another family...I enjoy all types of outdoor activities...swimming, running, some fishing, hiking, sight-seeing, photography...I love a good movie...barbecuing...dining out...reading a book...I am into stamp collection...coin collection...I go to Church on a regular basis...

Why do I even bother?

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Where is "Chivalry"?

I had a date today. A lunch date. With a guy I was very excited about. This was our first date. We had planned to meet a couple of weeks ago, but I needed to reschedule due to E needing to get some teeth pulled. And after today’s date, I can honestly say, I would rather have had teeth pulled. It had so much promise...he is CUTE(!!), he has a good job, he has kids and when we talked on the phone, we laughed a LOT. I was so excited. Now I’m just disappointed. Lucky for you, I’m going to tell you all about it. To start with he chose a restaurant that he told me was “in the middle.” When we got to the restaurant (that was 13 miles from my house), and started talking, it came out that he works down the street from it. Hmmm. Ok. Not one to be discouraged, I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he didn’t understand where I live. Maybe he thought I live at the other end of the street on which he works. It’s possible. 

But let me backtrack a little. The restaurant we went to was in a weird office building and parking was confusing. I called him from the parking lot to make sure I was in the right place. He was just pulling in, so I told him where I was parked so we could walk in together. I hate meeting dates in front of maitre d’s. I get paranoid that they are staring at me, judging and taking bets on whether or not there will be a second date. They are, right? I knew it. As we were walking to the elevator, from our cars, I realized that I left my parking ticket in my car and wanted to back to get it so the restaurant could validate my parking for me. I told him that and instead of him walking back with me, he said, ok, he would wait there. Again- Hmmm. Odd, right? That just doesn’t seem gentlemanly, or chivalrous, or “woo-ing” to me. But, whatever. 

We went to the restaurant and looked at the menus. He asked me if I would like to split a “large plate” and a “small plate.” I said sure, but that I didn’t know how he would feel about it, as I don’t eat meat and there weren’t many options, but he was game. We decided on the Vegetable Plate and that we would ask about the flatbread pizza of the day. Well, turns out, the flatbread pizza of the day was pulled-pork and ricotta. Not really something that was going to work for me. When he decided that he wanted it anyway, I pretty much knew that chances were, he was not my bashert, but still I try to remain stupid optimistic. Since we were SHARING the vegetable plate, we got hummus as well to split. And then he got an iced tea. You know where this is going, right?

Let me break it down for you- ME: 1/2 hummus appetizer, 1/2 vegetable plate, water; HIM: 1/2 hummus appetizer, 1/2 vegetable plate, 1 WHOLE flatbread pizza, iced tea. And then the check came. I have dated for many many years. On 95% of those dates I have offered to contribute to the check. Only three people ever accepted that offer until today (one of those people was my EX which says SO much, but I’m not going there now). Not only did he accept my offer to “contribute something to the check,” but his exact words were, “Sure, how about if you pay half.” Ummm...half? I DIDN’T EAT HALF, ASSHOLE. Oh wait, here comes the chivalry: “But don’t worry about the tip. I’ll get that.” Really? You amazing, generous, gentleman? You’ll get the tip? WTF? What the hell is wrong with people? I paid $18 for hummus and squash. I was so nauseated, I could have puked my hummus up on the table in front of him. 

And here’s the thing. Obviously, he’s not interested in going out with me again, I get that, and that is ok, but be a MENSCH! I am just constantly disappointed in how people treat each other and this is no exception. 

You know what's funny? I keep checking my email and phone for the message that I am sure is coming from him apologizing for his horrific behavior, because I honestly can't believe that if he thinks about it, he will think that he behaved appropriately. Maybe he was nervous, or sick, or (my personal favorite) has multiple-personalities, and the one with NO MANNERS accidentally came out at lunch today. Whatever, I know it's not coming, but I keep checking anyway. Because I want to have faith in people....and in chivalry.

**note: for as long as I date, I will continue to offer to contribute to the check and will continue to think that if anyone who accepts my offer is a jerk. Unless they have already paid for several dates previously. In my opinion, my offering is good manners and them declining my offer is good manners. Anything else is rude.

Monday, September 3, 2012

Fun way to earn free stuff

There are about a million things I should/could be doing right now, but because I have a cold and pretty much feel like crap, I'm not doing anything but sitting on the computer. Surfing. Without much purpose. Although I did find this cool website that I wanted to share because I love finding websites where I can earn points and get free things that I have no time to enjoy. Today I found Recyclebank. Recyclebank is an eco-friendly rewards program, with tons of high value coupons, including on organic and natural products. In order to print one of these coupons (or claim another reward), you must earn points, which you use to buy rewards. Recycle Bank allows you to earn points for a number of things – from participating in a city-wide recycling program (not available in all cities yet) to taking online quizzes. It's kind of fun. I haven't figured out how to earn all of the points yet, but so far I have 180 and that's enough for a magazine subscription!! Not bad for 10 minutes of playing on the computer! Here is the link if you want to sign up and play. What did we do before the internet?

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Just an aside...

I find it absolutely fascinating that someone found my blog through the following keyword search: 

"putting eyeshadow on your nipples"

I have mixed feelings about that...not putting eyeshadow on your nipples...I have NO opinion on that whatsoever, if you're so inclined...go for it (although I'd stay away from green)! I just meant on the fact that my blog comes up with that search...

It's Tooth Fairy Night in My House Tonight

I am so happy she pulls her teeth out by herself!

Sunday, August 19, 2012

C'est La Vie

One of the fun things about dating is.....Oh...gotcha! There is nothing fun about dating! If you know nothing about me at this point, you should at least know that I believe that dating SUCKS! But I do get these, oh so amusing, tales to share. So, yay! for looking on the bright side.

So this week’s tale begins in a land far far away. Well, not really, but the jerk I’m going to talk about tonight is French. And France is far away. Now let me just say, I don’t know a LOT of people who are from other countries, but I do know some. And I have dated some. Both pre- and post-marriage. And what I have found is that they, even more than American jerks men seem to have no real understanding of what is appropriate to say. Is it because Americans are too uptight? I don’t know, but I do know that boundaries, for me, are a good indication of respect. And I actually do not think that they mean to be disrespectful when they cross boundaries that seem normal.

So I was talking to this French dude the other night. Where did I meet him? Where else? JDate. And this conversation was the first after weeks of telephone tag. The conversation was going ok. Nothing great. He wasn’t that entertaining, but I’m all for giving it time. At least a little. So then he starts asking me about how much time my kids spend with their dad. I answered and what followed was pretty typical, “How eez zat posseeble?” “Doesn’t he want to be wiz zem more?” “Don’t you want to do zings for yourself?” “ How do you manage?” “Don’t you need time to go to zee gym?” HA! As usual, I do NOT make this stuff up. It wouldn’t be nearly as good if I did. So I was getting annoyed. I understand that he might not understand my life, but I do not like to defend it. Even if his questions do sound better wiz zee cute accent. And as for the gym...well, one look at me, and it’s obvious, I do not have time to go to zee gym.

So then he asked how long I’ve been on jDate. I responded almost honestly. I told him off and on for two years. He asks if I’ve met anyone. Hmmm... Uh...yeah. Lots of people. I told him I met a few people who I dated, but nothing that lasted... Then he asks the creme de la question, “Have you been intimate with any of them?” 

EXCUSEZ- MOI???   (thank you Google-translate)

Who does he think he is? The funny thing is, he is not the first guy to ask me this. Actually, that’s not funny. It’s appalling. The actual funny thing is, he thought that was a totally fine question to ask me.

I informed him, as politely as I could, (because while slamming the phone down should have been my response, I’m, you know, desperate, and like to give guys oodles of chances) that that was a very personal question and one that I would not be answering. He didn’t seem to care and the conversation continued until I hung up. I do not remember the end of our conversation, honestly. I think we made a date, but at that point my Advil PM had kicked in and I couldn’t say for sure. If I get an angry French message telling me off for standing him up, I guess I’ll know I did. Oh well. C'est la vie.

And one more thing. Totally off topic. That mean girl I told you about...she defriended me on Facebook. She has still refused to answer my calls or return them. I know I should be ok with it, but I’m not. People suck.

Sunday, August 12, 2012

One more thing...

I am NOT perfect. I am sad a lot of the time and crabby and bitchy and sometimes I say stupid things, that may accidentally offend or hurt someone. But I try to be a good friend and I would NEVER intentionally be mean to someone. She is a bitch for doing that.


You know how you hear about girls getting bullied or made fun of or just generally abused on Facebook by Mean Girls? Well, guess what? It’s not just for high schoolers. And you know what else? The sting (while I’m sure is a lot more painful for a 16 year old) hurts pretty badly at 40.

Remember we talked about this? Well...I have had one friend in particular who did that to me. Actually, that whole post was because of her. But now there is this other thing. It all started a little over a week ago. I had a date. I was excited and I had talked to her about it. I mentioned it here, too (he was the one I wrote about at the end of that post). Anyway, we went out. I liked him, but wasn’t sure I was attracted to him. I was thinking though, that I would like to go out with him again to figure it out. After our date however, I didn’t get the impression that I would hear from him again and I was a little bummed. Over the next couple of days, I decided that it was for the best, as I really wasn’t attracted to him physically. Then, he did email me. Unfortunately, I wasn't so sure I wanted to go out with him again. I talked to my friend about it and she did not respond in a really supportive way. Not that that surprised me. She has never been really supportive of me. When we talk and I tell her about things I am going through, she has a habit of telling me how I’m wrong and how I should do what she is doing (going out dancing, going out so guys can buy her expensive dinners, or going out just to have sex, etc.). I don’t judge (ok, yes I do), but that’s just not me. I still like(d) her, but truthfully, I'm just more of a homebody- always have been. I have never once told her how she should spend her time. She cheated on her husband. I think she could use some advice, but I try to be supportive and enjoy her for who she is (slut). Well, anyway, as I was talking to her about this guy and whether or not I should go out with him again, she just slammed me. It was not good. I got emotional, started crying and saying things I probably should have said a while ago...or not at all. At the end of the conversation, I apologized for getting so emotional, but asked her to please understand, I’m not her. Maybe I would be happier if I was more like her, but I’m not.

Then, the other day, exactly a week after our conversation on the phone, I see this for her facebook status: In just ONE WEEK - I had one friend write me off because she can't handle how I'm "always so HAPPY & POSITIVE about everything in life"... and then another friend, whom I have not spoken to in 25+ years, track me down on Facebook because he "missed having his favorite HAPPY GIRL around in his life". FUNNY, HOW LIFE WORKS SOMETIMES...

My first thought was, “that can’t be me she is talking about. I didn’t say that. And I for sure didn’t “write her off.”” But I knew it was me she was talking about. I have tried calling her several times. I texted her to please call me back because it was “important.” Haven’t heard back from her. I don’t write people off...Ok, I do, but not like that. I liked being friends with her. She was fun to hang out with sometimes and our kids liked being together. Even though, truth be told, hers are kind of obnoxious. Oooh..passive aggression feels GOOD! Even here!! I thought about retaliating with an equally passive-aggressive status update, but that’s not my style. I would much rather blog about it here... Although, I do think it would be funny to write on her wall, “Hey, did you know that M (her ex) wrote on his jdate profile that you cheated on him when you were married? Is that why he ended up in that mental institution you told me about?” That would be a totally true thing to write, also...but kind of evil.

Anyway, I am hurt. I don’t know why she would put that there. It seems if she thought that (and cared), then maybe she could have called...except that we all know by now that she wrote me off. I just wish I didn’t have to read about it on facebook.

Sunday, August 5, 2012


You know what's awkward? Hanging out at a birthday party at one of my least favorite places in the world, chatting with some other moms about gymnastics and ballet lessons, etc. and then innocently looking up and seeing this guy sitting five feet away from me glaring at me. Turns out, he's friends with the birthday girl's parents. Oops!! Because spending my Sunday chauffeuring my children to TWO birthday parties isn't enough torture, I have to run into wack-os like him. I know...I wish you were me. The only thing that would have made it even better is if this guy had been there:

And yes, that is someone's real jdate profile pic. In case you are interested in him, let me know, I'll see about setting you up. He is looking for someone who is petite and a good kisser.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Change of face

Hey, remember this guy? He posted a new picture on his profile. I'm all for updating pictures and staying current- no one appreciates going out with someone who has a ten year old picture up and has since lost all of his hair or gained 50 pounds. Funny thing about this guy's updated pictures though. He didn't lose his hair or gain weight. It had to do with his skin tone. Interestingly, he's turned African American! I didn't know that was possible! But, I never said I was the brightest bulb in the shed. Ok, I never even said I had a shed; I don't in fact, but whatever. I'd post his new picture, but it's not up anymore. I reported him to jDate...yeah, I a false profile and it was removed. Score...another one bites the dust!

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

The "Magic E"

Those of you who are teachers or who have school-age children are probably familiar with the “Magic E” rule. Since I am a teacher and have school-age children, I am doubly aware of it. It is the rule that I learned as "Silent E," and basically says that an "E" at the end of the word is silent and makes the vowel before it, say it's name. Got it? Great, you are all ready for first grade now. Anyway, I am also aware of the fact that I knew there would come a time when I would no longer be able to maintain the level of privacy that I desire, by merely spelling in front of my children. That time is now. The other day, I was having a conversation with a friend of mine and informed her that I had a "d-a-t-e" coming up. N quickly responded with, “you have a date?” So, more spelling for me. 
I’ll tell you guys though...and I won’t spell it out. I had a date this week. Actually, within the past two weeks, I’ve had two dates. With two different people. And both of them pretty much sucked.
The first one was with an older gentleman. Fifty-eight to be exact. He contacted me on jdate and very sweetly asked if I would mind “giving him a look” even though he was much older than I. I informed him that I had looked at men younger than him, and they all turned out to be assholes, so I had no problem looking at him. I looked, I liked, we met. Oh...if only it were that easy-peasy. Now let me just tell you, in his profile...he looked GOOD! Handsome. Dapper. In person...not so much. He kind of looked (and smelled) like a creepy uncle who makes you cringe from when he goes to kiss you hello (and undoubtedly grabs your tush at the same time...ew!). And his teeth. Oh his teeth. I mean, I like straight teeth as much as the next gal, but these went beyond UNstraight. They were UNBRUSHED!. Unbrushed, unflossed and definitely undentisted. I know I made that word up. I don’t care. The guy has clearly not seen a dentist in decades (if ever). His teeth were covered with black tartar (at first I thought it was plaque, but have since learned the difference). Seriously, it looked like this except on the FRONT of his teeth.

Now, have you gagged enough yet? Because I haven’t even told you about his finger nails. Or where his finger nails should have been. Really, words can’t express how bad they were. But pictures can! Seriously, how did people communicate before google? Can you imagine someone like that running his fingers through your slightly over-processed hair? Yeah, me neither. 
You want to know something ELSE? He currently owns a business and has contracts “in the works” with MIT, Harvard and Warner Brothers. But...shhh...that’s a secret. That’s what he told me, anyway. My thoughts? WHY would you tell someone you’ve just met a secret? Hello! Clearly, I can’t keep one. And Second? If you have contracts “in the works” with these organizations, you go to the freakin’ dentist! I think...
Maybe it’s just me.

He asked me out again, but I ignored him. I hate it when people do that to me, but sometimes, it's so much easier to just avoid them.
So then there was the second date I had. It doesn’t come close to the horrors of the first one, but it was a bit of a disappointment. I mean, anytime I spend money on a babysitter and can tell on a first date that the guy “just isn’t that into me,” I’m disappointed. And that was pretty much it. He wasn’t that into me. Actually, there is a bit more, he was obese and wasn’t that into me. And I thought he was nice and funny and would have gone out with him again. I’m not saying that it would have blossomed into a great love, but if someone is nice and funny, even if I’m not sure of a spark, I’m giving it another shot, and I guess it kind of hurt that I didn’t get the sense that he felt the same.
Ah...being single. Have I mentioned it sucks?

Monday, July 30, 2012

A funny thing happened today...

...K almost drowned. Ok, not funny at all. Actually, terrifying. But I was talking to a friend, saying that I haven’t been blogging lately and one of the reasons is that I try to keep the feel of my blog a little bit “my life is so pathetic I have to laugh,” and lately, I’ve just been feeling, “my life is so pathetic.” So I haven’t updated. Because if I’m not laughing, you’re not laughing, and who wants to read my depressing blog? Yeah, not me either. I figured if I came in here with a little anecdote, maybe it would start my creative juices flowing and I’d get back in to blogging...but then, you know, K almost drowned. Bummer. There goes the anecdote.
FYI- I saved her. It wasn’t a big save, but it was a save nonetheless. And in case you’re thinking I should have saved her because, well, I’m her mother, and I’m the one who is supposed to be watching her, that’s not a very nice way to be thinking. She was at SWIM LESSONS. You know, like, the ONLY 30 minutes of the week I am theoretically  NOT responsible for her watching her near a body of water...because I’m paying a WHOLE LOT OF MONEY to make sure someone else is responsible for her. Well, like one mom said as I pulled her from the water, good thing I was there.
See, when a 19 year old girl, who may be very good at swimming, but most likely has little to NO understanding of child development and what a THREE year old is capable of understanding is put in charge of SIX children between the ages of 3 and 4, you may have a problem. But I can get over that. I can see how she may not have realized that my child could not have comprehended the instructions and didn’t realize that it was not her turn to swim. I get that. K started to swim when it was not her turn. Two other children were swimming. The teacher was too far, so she turned back to the wall. The wall was too far. K panicked. She went under. The teacher did not see...actually, I think she did not see, b/c K came up, her eyes searched for mine, and she went under again. FOUR TIMES. Each time, I heard her start to cry and then water would fill her mouth as she went under. I saw. The teacher was maybe 6 or 7 feet away and didn’t come over to her. Even as I leaned into the pool and screamed something like, “Jesus, are you going to get her?!” the teacher didn’t come over. So I’m assuming she didn’t see (although at that point, I honestly don’t know how that is possible). She just went on with her lesson. I pulled Kayla out. She was coughing and I was shaking.
 As I wrapped her in her towel, I realized that I should probably just put her back in the water, so I offered a lollipop if she would return to the water. She pretty much told me, “Hell, no!” and I didn’t feel like fighting. 
I tried not to make a big deal out of it as I explained to the office staff why K would NOT be returning to this teacher’s class. I don’t want to be that parent (even though I know I am). The manager is going to call me when he gets back from his vacation, and I think I will put K in another class and life will go on.
But, yeah...definitely don’t have a funny story for you today...but I do have a cute photo...


Thursday, July 5, 2012

Happy 4th of July!

I know it's technically the FIFTH of July, but I was too tired to post these yesterday. Hope you all had a great day! We went to a friends house and had a great time. Then, when we got home, I had to hear all about how I'm so mean because I'm always busy and don't have time to play with my kids. They are so lucky they are cute....

DSC_0059 by Apricot Dreams
DSC_0056 DSC_0019

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Another totally awesome jDate horror story

You guys probably think I’m writing this post to wish you all a Happy Independence Day. Well, ok, sure. But that is not why I'm writing. I’m writing to tell you of another jdate horror story. I know! Another one? How is it even possible?

This one goes back a bit. About a year ago (13 months to be exact), I contacted a guy on jdate who I thought was really cute. I liked what he wrote. He seemed humble and sweet. He wrote me back and asked for my phone number. We spoke a few times. I don’t really remember the details of it all, you know, because IT WAS A YEAR AGO! I do remember that we made a plan to go out. I think he wanted to do something like go to a museum, but I didn’t really want to do that for a first meeting. I asked if we could save that for our second date and just meet for dinner or drinks to start with. Maybe that wasn’t nice, but I didn’t mean it in a mean way. It was (is) just what I’m comfortable with.
He chose a restaurant which was close to his house and 45 minutes from mine. I didn’t complain...although I remember being annoyed. He knew where I lived (that statement right there worries the hell out of me) and I would have appreciated something a little closer. I arrived to the restaurant first. When he walked in, I literally didn’t recognize him. He looked nothing like his pictures. He looked 10 years older and 30 pounds heavier. That had never happened to me before where someone looked so different from their pictures. But, whatever. We were both there, so I went with it and tried to get to know him better. You never know, right? I knew. I felt no spark. I knew we were not a match. He complained about his ex-wife quite a bit, and besides the inappropriateness of that, honestly, as he described her, I remember thinking she and I didn’t sound that different. He complained about his money problems. Yeah...that’s sexy. I have money problems, too...but I don’t go and advertise them (except for here, on my blog, for the world to see). I don’t remember what else I didn’t like about him, but I just knew it wasn’t a love connection. I used to have a 3 date rule. I would go out with someone three times to give them a fair chance before I decided I didn’t want to go out with them anymore. That was before an evening of sitting on my couch doing nothing was so appealing. And before an evening out meant paying a babysitter $10/hour. I don’t have energy to give people so many chances these days.
So, our date ended. We said good-bye. Fifteen minutes later, he called to see if I was on my way home. An hour after that, he called again, to see if I had made it home. Probably would have totally loved that, if I had liked him. I don’t remember what happened over the course of the following week, but I do remember the next weekend. I remember it because E and N were at their dad’s house, K was was I, and at 8:00 in the morning, he called to say, “hello.” Yeah...I was annoyed. I hung up on him and didn’t call him back. The next day, he called me again to say he was sorry he assumed I would be awake. I do not understand that about people. He is not the only guy who has thought it is ok to call me so early in the morning. It is just a weird phenomenon of rudeness that seems to be going around. Either way, I put him out of his misery. Told him I didn’t think we would be a good match, would like to be friends if he wanted, etc.
Six months ago, I changed my jdate profile pictures. He sent me an email saying he liked them. I said, “thank you.”
Yesterday, I got an email from him asking if he could ask me a question. My curiosity got the better of me and I said, “ok.” Curiosity killed the cat.
This morning I woke up to this note: when you decided to go on a date with me, were you interested or were you on the fence and why? I am not asking for constructive criticism. When you showed up for the date it didn't look like you cared to make an effort to dress up a little and in all your pictures on here, you look beautiful. What was going on? Is there something I said or did? Please remember to be kind when you answer I am not slamming either of us.
I would say I’m more in shock than speechless. I pretty much always have something to say. I’m just wondering will a reply to a wack job like this, get me killed? I have a rough draft of what I’m thinking of sending. Let me know your thoughts...
Wow. That’s really all I have to say.  Actually, I have a lot to say, but I’m going to keep this short. Just to be clear here, a YEAR after we had ONE date, you somehow think it is appropriate to contact me, insult my appearances (and don’t think b/c you stuck a compliment in there about my current pictures that that makes it ok), ask me what I was thinking and tell me that when I answer, I need to be KIND..? Let me just say this...I will not answer your question. Had you asked in a way that was NICE, I would have. But for you to dare say that I didn’t dress up or make an effort (oh wait, I forgot, you’re not slamming anyone here)...honestly, who the hell do you think you are?
Dating is hard, there is no doubt about it. Often times, when I make the decision not to date someone, I wonder if that is the right choice. Truthfully, I didn’t have those questions with regards to you. If I had however, this email would have reassured me that I 100% made the right decision. Please do not contact me again.
It’s amazing...I seriously couldn’t make this stuff up.

Ok...what do you think?

Saturday, June 30, 2012

Oh My

I really am having so much fun filling you all in on the amazing OPTIONS I have when it comes to dating. Really, there are just so many fabulous Jewish men around here. It's truly a miracle that I haven't found the love of my life yet. Here is another middle-aged suitor. Although, I'm not going to post his picture (in a minute, you'll know why). 

His profile name is HSV2. Hmmmm...I thought when I saw it. That's interesting. Maybe his name would be Henry Scott Veisman? The second...? It's possible, right? But then I read his profile. And let me just say, I am all for honesty. Really, I am. So I don't fault him for it, but at the same time...I'm not sure that posting this on your jdate profile is the best way to handle it, you know? I know you have no idea what I'm talking about.  I'll just cut to the chase and let you decide for yourself. 

As I was perusing his profile, this line in particular stood out to me,

"For those who do not know what HSV is, it is herpes. Yes, I do have it..." 

Kudos to him for being open and honest. I would never be that open in my profile. Not regarding herpes. I don't have herpes. I would never even say, "By the way, I really need to lose 10 pounds." That is a fact that I like to keep hidden for as long as possible. Kind of like I would expect someone to feel about herpes.  And for the record, while I think his info is way more significant than mine, I guarantee that if I did put my unfortunate extra poundage in my profile, it would be met with way more horror and disgust than people have when reacting to an STD. Not that there is anything wrong with having an STD...I just don't want one. Nor do I want to date someone with one. 

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

A Contact

Wow. Did you hear that? That was the sound of a sigh from Naomi as I asked her to clean up one toy before going to another. D.R.A.M.A!!

Anyway. That's not what I'm here to talk about today. I'm here to complain some more about jdate. Yeah. I got contacted by someone this morning, and I'm thinking you could give me your opinions on this one. This is the email I received from him:

How are you doing? Impressive is what i describe your captivating profile as a near perfect description of what i desire in a woman, even your picture goes a long way in describing the quintessential underlying beauty any man would seek for in a woman...i know i like you but all that don't matter as all real love relationships begin on a basic foundation of friendship.. i would like to know u better and be good friends with u and am sure something deeper will spring from there... i would love to hear from you and i can be reached via E M A I L on blah blah blah @ blah blah blah (I gotta protect his identity a little bit, right?).

Now is it just me, or does this just make you want to vomit a little? Clearly this was not personalized for me. He didn't refer to anything that I wrote and I've been described in a lot of ways, but I assure you "quintessential underlying beauty" has NEVER been one of them. While it's just can't be real. After I gagged, I started to think that from the email, he doesn't even sound American. American men just aren't that suave cheesy, are they?

This is what he looks like:


Does the word "smarmy" come to anyone's mind?

Anyway, I don't think I'm going to respond. I used to be a big believer in giving everyone a chance because, "Ya never know..." But I just don't have time or energy for that kind of thinking anymore!!!

Friday, June 15, 2012


A new profile popped up today. This is what he wrote in his "about me" section, "well, i am not sure i am the right person to write about my self but i promise to be better that the one you met before :-)...i am the perfect match to the perfect girl .....good luck..."


Dating sucks.

Saturday, June 9, 2012


So, I'll bet you're wondering why I haven't posted anything lately about my exciting dating life! Well, pretty simple answer there. It's not that exciting. In fact, it's the exact opposite of exciting. Or maybe not even opposite. It's just not.

I won't say I've given up on dating, it's just that it feels kind of hopeless. Given my complete lack of a social life, the only ways I have of meeting someone would be through a fix up or online. No one is offering to set me up with their super amazing single guy friend, so jdate it is. And let me tell is slim pickins!

There is this guy, who looks like a terrorist:

This guy, showing off his physique:'s a good one. Let me send this one a quick note, see if he wants to meet of a cup of coffee:

It's a cornucopia of men I tell ya!

I was recently contacted by a 56 year old who asked me if I would move to California for him.

And then, I was contacted my a 49 year old whose screen name is "Stilllooking." I thought he was ok so I responded. He asked for my phone number so we could chat. Here's where it gets interesting. The other morning I couldn't sleep. I got up at 5:00am and at about 6:00 decided to go to my office and get some work done. I was responding to emails and at about 7:00 I emailed him back with my phone number. He proceeded to call me AND text me at 7:20am!!! Now,  I get it. I was awake. I emailed him. But in what world is it actually ok to call someone at 7:20 in the morning? What response did he actually think he would get from me? Turns out, he didn't get any response from me because I didn't have my phone with me because IT WAS 7:20 IN THE MORNING! When I got my phone and saw that he had called and texted, I ignored it. I figured he would call me back at a more appropriate time. He did. He called me back at about 4:00 that afternoon. What I didn't expect was his pissy little attitude. The conversation went something like this:

Loser: Hi. I hope I didn't scare you off by calling you so early in the morning and seeming too eager.

Me: No, you didn't scare me, but it was kind of early to be calling.

Loser (in a pissy little voice): I knew you were awake because you had just emailed me.

Me: Yeah, but it was still kind of early to call. I usually don't talk on the phone that early.

Loser (still being all pissy and not at all apologetic for calling me so early): Oh! Well, whatever. I guess if you can call me at a better time if you want. *Click*

What the hell? I guess I could have forgiven it if he had at least acted mortified or something. But he got all obnoxious like it was my fault and you know, I'm not perfect, but WTF?! Woo me! Impress me! Don't call at 7 fucking 20 in the morning!

Yeah. So that's why I haven't been writing about my dating life. It sucks.

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Cool deal

FYI...there is a great deal at Vista Print right now. You can get 180 address labels for free. Just pay shipping!!! Here is the link! I just made these to help label things for camp.

Aren't they pretty? Don't worry. If you are thinking that I'm such a super mom for doing things like this and you feel bad that you can't be as cool as I am, I assure you, each and every one of my children will find something about their label to complain about.

Monday, June 4, 2012

Are you ready for the summer?

Well, here we are, one week into Summer Vacation, and I gotta say...So Far, So Good! The kids are only doing camp for two weeks at the end of June, so that means a lot of together time. And a lot of sleeping in time, which is what I was looking forward to. We don't get out of bed before 9 most days! Ahhh...we've gone to the pool, the water park, free bowling, and to the dollar theater. It's been nice!

Today, E and N started "swim team." I put it in quotes because it's not really swim team, but rather an introduction to their swim school's swim team. For their first day, I gotta say, I was impressed. Not only with their ability to swim as much as they did, but with Elliott's ability to come in last each and every time. I swear. That boy has been swimming since before he turned three and he has perfected the art of appearing as if he is swimming but in actuality, not moving at all. It's a gift I tell ya.

Kayla also started in a new swim class. Hers did not go so well. She has been in lessons for about a year now and for the last six months has loved it. Last week she started in a new group class without her brother and sister. She had a hard time with that and her teacher responded by dumping a bucket on her head, telling her every time she said she didn't want to do something she would have to do it twice, and pulling her off the wall and into the middle of the pool and then letting go. Brilliant, huh? So...after that bitch fiasco was finished, I switcher her class. Hoping that this teacher would be better...I gotta say, I was pretty disappointed. A new teacher for Kayla means more for her to be afraid of, especially after what happened last time. She cried the whole time. This idiot teacher (who looked like he needed to be studying for his SATs) felt that the best way to handle that was to splash water in her face. I pretty much lost it at that point and told the head coach that if another person splashed my child, I would dive into the pool and kill them. I'm not saying that that is the best way for me to handle the situation, but seriously! What is wrong with people? Feel free to answer in the comments, because I really want to know.

On another note. I'll end with some pictures I took the other day. I don't love them because I really don't think my photography is progressing at all, but I do love the fact that Naomi asked me if we could do a photo shoot! That is awesome!

DSC_0015c copy




Friday, May 25, 2012

The difference a year makes

Well, not quite a year. A school year, though. Today was the last day of school. So sad. Except the part about not getting up before 6 am every morning. That kind of rocks, but other than that, I don't do too well with any kind of ending. Although I should be used to them by now. But as I told E and N's teacher, I've been crying the last day of school since I was in Kindergarten, so I really don't see it changing at this point. Check this out though. The first day of school vs the last day. Pretty cool, huh?

I'll post more last day of school pics tomorrow.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

More Birthday Celebration stuff

Now I'll bet you are wondering what I did to celebrate my BIG kids. The only thing one can do to escape mundane everyday life....check it out!!

Turn your favorite photos into a photo book at

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Happy Birthdays!

A lot has been going on around here lately, People. A lot. But I guess that is what it means when you disappear from the Blogosphere for around a month. Well, either that, or absolutely NOTHING is going on and you have nothing to say. I like to think that I'll update you all on everything at some point, but it is nothing BIG...just lots of annoying stuff, so I probably won't. I WILL however, tell you about one big thing that happened, or rather THREE big things. I went from being the mommy of a couple of five year olds and a two year old, to being the mommy of two big SIX year olds and a THREE year old. Where has the time gone? I conducted some interviews with them, courtesy of this pretty cool blog that I found, and this is what I got.....

Naomi6 Elliott6 kayla3

Pretty fun, huh? I am going to have them printed and make them into books for each of them to have. Assuming I keep doing them every a good mommy would...and really, what are the chances of that?

And if you are wondering why I left in the question, "what do you and your dad do together?" it's because I didn't know how to take it out. Truthfully, Kayla's first answer to that was, "Daddy's yucky," but I didn't want to be a complete bitch and leave it in there. So I told her to think of a different answer and instead, I'm just telling all of you. :)

Thursday, April 26, 2012


Sometimes I feel that my sense of humor is going to get me in trouble one of these days. I mean, I think that my sense of humor can be a little inappropriate, or maybe "warped" is a better word.

Every Monday, either Elliott or Naomi (depending on the week) bring home a "Book in a Bag." It is basically a small, easy to read book (in a ziploc bag) that they practice reading and prepare to present it to the class, along with a small project, on Friday. The projects can be anything from drawing a picture of the main character to doing a puppet show to making a diorama. This week, Elliott's book was about a zoo. It went something like this, "I see the camel. Do you see the camel? I see the elephant. Do you see the elephant?" etc. Elliott decided for his project, he wanted to make a different ending for the book and draw a picture of it. I thought it was a great idea! And he worked so hard on his project. All week. Every day. You know what his ending was? Well, the original ending was, "I see children looking at the animals. Do you see children looking at the animals?" Elliott's ending was a little darker than that. It was, "I see the tiger eating the bunny. Do you see the tiger eating the bunny?" I thought it was so original. And pretty damn funny. I laughed so hard that I honestly didn't see the inappropriateness of it. Now, however, I'm starting to think maybe it isn't as funny as I thought, and I'm just worried that the teacher is going to see it and think, "Sociopath!" Oy! And let me just tell you, I am incredibly grateful, for the first time ever, that he has ZERO artistic abilities. I can only imagine how I would feel if his picture actually resembled a tiger eating a bunny. I kind of just looks like a big smudged glittery cat...with chew toy.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

There has been a lot of nipple talk around here these days...

Elliott: "Mommy, since Kayla won't stop nursing, maybe you should just, you know, put your nipple in a glass..."
Is he handsome or what?

Tuesday, April 17, 2012


Zits...pimples...acne. Whatever you want to call them, they suck, right? Is there any age that is a good age for them to show up on your face? I mean, 16 is not a good age. You are dealing with high school! That is enough for anyone. Who wants to deal with breakouts on top of that? I had my fair share of skin imperfections as a teen. And in collage. And ever since then. I guess I sort of expected them to go away at some point... Now to be fair, I do not have awful skin, but it's far from porcelain either! I mean, seriously, I'm almost the dreaded 4-0, and I'm dealing with anti-aging regimes these days. I did not know that aging skin comes with it's own agenda which often includes breaking out around the hair and jaw lines. Ew! Wrinkles and breakouts. How did I get so lucky?
But if that's not bad enough...I have children. Sweet, adorable, say whatever comes to their little minds children. And THIS is what one of them said to me today...while looking at my chin...and pointing to a pimple:

"Mommy, is that a boo-boo? Oh, no...I'm so silly...that's just a nipple!"

Guess who said that?

Thursday, April 12, 2012


I love a good laugh! Remember when I got this in the mail? I thought that was pretty funny! Oh how I laughed.
Yesterday I got THIS in my mailbox. I really think someone put my address on the wrong mailing list.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012


Last week (or was it two weeks ago now?) my kids had their Kindergarten Milestone program. At their school, every grade has one. It is a really beautiful and special ceremony which shows off what they have learned that year and turns everyone in the audience (or was it only me?) into a teary mess. For Kindergarten, the students sang a bunch of beautiful Jewish songs that celebrated their Hebrew names, which they have been learning all year. The ceremony was nothing short of spectacular.
Here are some pictures of how they looked on this special day:

Group shot!

Some individual pictures plus their favorite...Funny Face pose!

Monday, April 9, 2012


Help Me. Pinterest has turned me into a DIYer and I think I'm dangerous. Lately I have been armed with cans of spray paint most of the time, but I'm going a little crazy. I'm going to attempt to make something for our Arts and Crafts room. This was one of the first things I "pinned" on Pinterest, and today I'm going to try to make it.

Wish me luck!

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Just in time!

You know that Tooth Fairy note I wrote the other day? Well, I wrote it just in time!

That afternoon I was greeted with this toothless smile when I picked her up from school.
Very exciting!!
Of course, how she lost it is a bit interesting. She has a gross habit of chewing on her backpack strap. That afternoon in carpool, she was doing this and one of her friends decided it's not healthy for her to do that. While pulling the strap out of her mouth, out came her tooth!
She was thrilled!
And I was ready!!
A few weeks ago, we made this Tooth Fairy Door.
Isn't this cute? We painted it and hung it on the wall in the kids' bedroom. You know people sell these on etsy for $35? What a ripoff!!

You saw the letter.
She also received a certificate, a gold dollar coin, and everyone got three pieces of chocolate gold coins. I stocked up from Costco around Chanukah in anticipation of this. Elliott's response to that? "We got gelt! Our Tooth Fairy must be jewish!"

Of course, after all of my hard work, and research, Naomi looked at my computer and unfortunately said, "Hey Mommy, how come you have pictures of the Tooth Fairy on your computer?" Don't worry, my secret is not out. "Um, I googled her to look for her phone number." Poor thing bought it.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Tooth Fairy

You know those things that are certain? Death...taxes...and teeth falling out! Oy! I hate them all. I’m hoping to avoid death any time soon. Taxes...just paid (fuckers) and teeth falling out. Well, it’s coming! Naomi’s tooth is at that totally gross, hanging on by a thread stage right now. It’s disgusting. She’s tried pulling it. I’ve tried pulling it. Even Elliott has tried pulling it. 

None of us can get a good enough grip or big enough balls to yank it out. But it’s coming. There is no denying it.
This morning I spent a good two hours composing a little love note to her from the Tooth Fairy. Two hours because one hour was spent trying find enough samples of letters online to “borrow” to make my letter the way I liked it plus then I needed to find a picture of the Tooth Fairy that I could somehow print out without having to actually pay for. Oh...the other hour? That was spent trying to figure out why my “text” tool wasn’t working. Turns out, if your text is set to “White” and you are typing on white paper, it won’t show up. That was fun.
Here is what my Tooth Fairy letter looks like, expect for the glitter glue I added that is drying as I type this. Everything is better with glitter glue. Now we just wait for that disgusting thing to fall out. Can’t wait!!

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Here's a thought

If you don't plan on ever answering your phone when I call or EVER being available when you call me back on the rare instances when I might actually be so desperate that I need to ask you a about if you DON'T say to me, "If you ever need anything, just give me a call." MmmK? Thanks.

And while we're at it, I don't really give a damn if we ever get together to catch up either, but if you tell me you want to, I will try to set something up. So if you have no intention of calling me back so we can catch up, don't suggest it in the first place. I promise you, I don't care. MmmK? Thanks again.

***Just felt like I needed to get these things off of my chest. There are a lot of assholes in my life and sometimes, they annoy me.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Is it me?

Sometimes, I think maybe I overreact. Or am too judgmental. So please, let me it me? Or are these guys just freakizoids from Hell?
JDate has an annoying feature called “Secret Admirer.” Basically, if you admire someone, you mark it off on their profile and then they are send an email with 5 profiles. One of them is the Secret Admirer and you check off which one you admire and if you both admire each other, you get an email telling you so. Because I am a genius, whenever I get one of these emails, I can pretty much tell who is Admiring me without necessarily Admiring them back.
Last week I got one of these emails. My Admirer seemed OK. Nothing too spectacular. I had read his profile and kind of thought he was completely average. Not too good looking. Not too smart. Not too rich. Not too funny. I pretty much started snoring half-way through it. Not being one to act on my judgmental side, I thought about giving him a chance. Except for one thing. In his profile, he wrote this:
.......plantaris tendon that I ruptured playing basketball heals. And don't worry ladies, the plantaris tendon is "far" below the waist, in the calf muscle. Everything else works just fine.......
WHO writes this in their “About Me” section? Am I crazy or are these guys just complete losers? I’m guessing that this means his penis works...? He mentioned his waist, but I don’t think your Belly Button can be broken. What else is in that area? Spleen? That’s boring. Yes, let’s assume he means his penis. Well, Mazel Fucking Tov! Who cares? I mean, if I’m wanting to reproduce with you, I guess I would care, but how about, we just assume it works and you only post about it in profile if it doesn’t work, MmmK? Thank you very much. 
This is the guy is Admires me. A guy who needs to post to the world that while he has a boo boo on his leg (whaaaa...MOMMY!!) his schlong works. 
Damn it! I can’t believe I pay for this membership.